I gave up trying to even pretend that I was OK. I wasn't OK...HE wasn't making any better..he wasn't taking all my pain away. ( I have changed my point of view since then )
I tried it my way for little while. I ended up more hurt and more bitter.
The first conversation I had with him right after I deiced that was tired of this S___t was like this:
Me: OK........I am ready.
God:Me too, I have been waiting for you, I've been missing you.
Me:I give up, we can do it your way now.
This conversation has continued for years now.He has healed me, forgiven me, loved me, changed me......his never left me. no matter what I have said to him ( and I have said a lot) his never pushed me away.
I know now, looking back, that I was the one that pushed myself away from him but that he followed me where ever I went.
I was reminded about this time in my life while I was reading one of my favorite blogs tonight.He was talking about Psalms 139...
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Then the blogger said "Good or bad, I can’t run from Him…He’s already everywhere that I’m heading. " And that's when I said AMEN!!!
He's already everywhere that I'm heading.....
God has changed me and my life over the past couple of years....that even if I tired to leave Him I couldn't. I want to , all the time, This is the hardest relationship I have ever had.Some days I am not up for it...but no matter how I feel about our relationship or him, he is always standing right there beside me.Good or bad, I can’t run from Him .
It pisses me off some days, that I cant run from him....
But I truly love him so much I cant stand not be near him for more then a couple of days. Lame!!! I know.
I tried to leave God and I found out...Good or bad, I can’t run from Him…He’s already everywhere that I’m heading.