Sunday, September 18, 2011

as the world flies by...

Can you feel it in the air?????????????? It’s FALL! And that means I am happy pretty much all the time right now. I sleep with my windows open; I can break out the hoodies and wear flip flops at the same time. The leaves are going to start changing any minute now! Corn maze, Renaissances festival, bon fires and Halloween!!!!!! I’m excited!!

Life has been changing for me lately. I have moved in with my friend Cristina, and it's going great. I love my new apartment, I have cable, my room is really big….like big! It feels right, I know this is where I belong right now in my life.
I’ve lost 25 lbs. I still have a long way to go to get where I want to be. But I am working hard and counting calories so it seems to be paying off.

I have other good things going on in my life …..but I am not going to talk about them right now. We are going to see how they play out. :)

I feel like it’s been a hard long year for me…and its finally taking a turn for the good. I know that anything good in life comes for God. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that feel like ….God is giving me a second to breathe here.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A glimpse

My life has been crazy lately. My life is in boxes, literally. I am moving in 20 days. I can’t find anything. I have no clothes. My books are packed up and that makes me sad. I feel like I don’t have enough packed up and yet too much is packed up….all at the same time. I am stressed…..Like fro real!

I’m not complaining. I am excited about moving. I am moving in with my good friend Cristina. She is wonderful…to me. I think she is really the only person that I let help me and care for me. She encourages me and sends me random text that are full of her “ ADD” thoughts of the day. She makes me take risk and she is always in my corner encouraging me to live. She is a blessing from God and I am thankful we get to live together. It’s going to be an adventure….to say the least.
20 days left to move- a million boxes to move up one flight of stairs- moving in with someone you know God has put in your life- priceless!

Currently -me and the Lord are working on some of my issues. It’s not really fun. It scares the crap out of me when he asks me to be BRAVE and face my fears. I feel like he has backed me into a corner, I have nowhere else to go but through it. I hate being brave….I hate it when he is right…I hate when he proves me wrong…..BUT I need Him desperately. I know I am talking in riddles…but that’s all I am going to say about that.

When is FALL getting here???!!!! I dream about it. I need it desperately in my life!!! I’ve been listening to a lot of Bon Iver recently ( and he reminds me of what fall feels like to me) so maybe that why I desperate for it to get here.

Things I am looking forward to- two of my dear friends are getting married. And I am excited to see them start their lives with their betrothed.

I have a lot more rolling around in this noggin but I am going to stop typing now. Left over thoughts are below…..

Adventure is out there!

What I have been working on lately…..
Not being scared of actually feeling happy
Being brave
Being kind
Not hiding
Letting people love me
Concurring my fear of letting people closer
And living my life….no matter what that looks like

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Things I have learned in my short life….

My parents love me more then I love them
I can’t go a day with looking at art
I’ve been weird since the day I was born
I love people but I don’t like being around them
That once you love someone they leave
God is the love of my life..and sometimes I don’t like to be near him
Fall is my favorite season
I use music to know what it’s like to have feelings
I have about 95% less emotional feelings then normal people
Dusk is my favorite time of the day
I am hippie on the inside
I may be the only person that gets my since of humor
I am too broken to ever let someone one love me
Books are my coping mechanizes
I will never be pretty BUT I will always be funny
I will be 80 and still be reading comic books
Jesus and Shakespeare saved my life
I was born with the ability to cook
That I have too much wanderlust for my own good
I had to be Amish in another life
Diners are the BEST place to eat
Coffee..I can’t live without it..I don’t want to
That I am not brave enough to live this life that has been given to me
I want to be anywhere in the world but here
I am 100% crazy..and that really doesn’t bother me
That God loves me more then I will ever know
And in the end…it will all be ok…….

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter...the super bowl for Christians.

This is the day that I am always reminded of how wonderful it is to be loved by God. He decided to come to earth, robe himself in flesh, be born in trough, and walk this earth as a man a radical rabbi. He submitted himself to the will of his heavenly Father. He was beaten, the skin from his body was ripped off him, a crown of thrones was given to him. He took it all willing and for me. He was nailed to a cross and on that cross his heart exploded for me. He thought about me while he was dying. He never wanted me to be on that cross. He died; he descended into hell on that third day he arose again from his grave. And when He arose from the grave He put death in that same grave.

I have eternal life. I will never need to know what hell looks like….because he paid my wages in desperate places…and I am thankful. Thankful for life I have received from him and thankful for the life I can share with others.
Lets us not forgot the great debut he paid for us. Let’s be thankful and full of hope and faith.

I am thankful he did not leave me to battle death on my own. I get to spend eternity with him….with no more more sorrow…no more tears. No more wholes in my heart, no more doubting, no more wondering…

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son .So that who so every believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Love is the message he brought to us. He showed us that when you love some one you lay down your life for them…and you never ask for anything in return. His love is the " no-strings attached" kind of love.His love is a powerful thing. It brings healing, redemption, wholeness and life. Life everlasting….

I love him with every fiber of my being.We have our good times and our bads times.( as you can see by my last post). I know when He tells me “I love you more than life itself” he means it. He loves me….and I am thankful for that. His love altered the universe and it altered me.

He has risen, He has risen indeed!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

For all who are weary….

Cause that is what I am as of late. Weary.Tired.

Me and the Lord have been trying to get back to a good place. I really don’t know how to talk about it. We or I have hit a rough patch with him. He dug deep and asked me to deal with some issues I had towards him. Things I haven’t forgiven him for, things that had hurt me, things I was still bitter and anger about…things I was still pissed off about but I thought I had dealt them.

I have learned in my short life that forgiveness is like onion….there are many layers you have to get through. You might be wondering “why is she mad or hurt by God”….listen! It’s just like any other relationship you have things that get said or done and you get hurt. I don’t feel like I am making any since here….I feel like I am a horrible communicator.

Anyway, I think dealing with all this “stuff” with the Lord has really affected me in good ways and bad. I always go to God , when I need forgiveness to give to other. When someone has hurt me , I go to him and say” please put this forgiveness in my heart for this person cause I just don’t have in it me”. BUT where do I go when I need to forgive God…cause my forgiveness it’s there for Him. I can’t get over some of the stuff in my life I have had to through, I can’t bring myself to let him off the hook…I WANT ANSWERS..I WANT REASONS…DAMIT!!!! I just want to understand him…I want to trust him again; I want to forgive him…….but I can’t.

I love him, yes, but I don’t feel it today. He has done great things in my life, yes. Do I worship him, yes….. But I still doubt Him. Yes, I plan on having an ongoing relationship with him the rest of my life, defiantly. I gave up my rights to live without him long ago( long story I really don’t want o go into it right now).The thing is me and God talk about this stiff every day, I feel like I have made a couple steps forward…but not enough of them. I miss Him and He is standing right beside me so to speak. I will get through it, we will get through it… will not be pretty….but I believe there will be healing, emotionally, for me at the end of it. I have to believe that He cares for me…I just have to.

I do not think that I am the only one to have ever gone through something with God. I am not that egocentric. I am weary, tired, hurt, suffering cause I can’t get near him. There is something there between us. I just can’t get next to him. I can feel his breath on my cheeks but when I open my eyes he is miles and miles away and I am too weary to get to him. I am thirsty and nothing but the ocean is all around me.

“All who are thirstyAll who are weak Come to the fountain Dip your heart in the stream of life Let the pain and the sorrow Be washed away In the waves of his mercy As deep cries out to deep “-Kutless

I am sad because I know he loves me…and I just can’t feel it. Like a lot things in my life lately….I just can’t feel it. Enough of that! A lot of great things have been happing at church. I am in charge of the greeter ministry. So I am excited to see the changes the Lord is bring to this ministry in the next couple of months. I will write about it at some point…I never would have dreamed I would have been a greeter let alone the leader of the greeters. God works in mysterious ways….

My birthday is next Saturday. I am really not in the mood to do anything. I am working a lot, busy with church stuff, stressed about some other stuff….I am just tired and I want o be alone and not have to be entertaining or in a good mood for anybody. I just want to read some books and plant some flowers and listen to some music. I know I sound like a bitch…but I just want to be alone. I want some rest and peace…..I am taking two days off so hopefully I get to do some of the above. There are a lot of changes in the air, I am going to try to bunker down and survive them. Heres to a good couple of weeks…...hopefully!

See on the other side Brother!( LOST joke)

P.S. sorry this post was NO fun.

Friday, February 25, 2011


I really don't have a lot to say right now....

Monday, January 24, 2011

It Snowed...

(I know...I know..these photos are not working with me here...they want stay right side up.)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Dear anonymous:

Dear anonymous:

I just want to let you know that you don’t hurt me anymore. When I think of you there is no ill will, there is no wanting to bash your head into a wall, there is no love lose. There is no hoping you feel like s$%t because you hurt me. There is no wondering what you are doing right now BUT….But there is forgiveness. Forgiveness for not loving me the way you should have. Forgiveness for the way you treated me, forgiveness for all the horrible thing you said to me. There is forgiveness for you always "taking it out on me" even when it wasn't my fault.
There’s forgiveness for myself for letting you do all those thing to me. There forgiveness for myself for not realizing sooner that I deserve better people in my life then you.

There’s love….love that can only be given to us by our creator. Love that passes all understanding. I don’t want to forgive or love you. I want to stay hurt and be hateful to you. But the beauty of forgiveness…is being able to love the world even when they are beating you, spitting on you, cursing you and hoping you never get back up. Forgiveness is the strength to stand up and ask your abuser (the world) if they will forgive for you for whatever you have done to them

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to come by. It’s difficult, hard, long process…...and I am still in the middle of that process.I tell the Lord often that it really isn't fair that people/world can do whatever they want to us and we still have to forgive them.The Lord really doesn't respond to me but I do get a feeling that he understands where I am coming from.Think about it...He gave up his life for us and we still ignore him, blame him and abuse him, doubt him,hate him, yell at him and give him the cold shoulder on daily bases.He never holds it against, still loves us when come him and always answers in some way when we call on him. He gave us the best example of forgiveness.

You don't have to earn forgiveness can be only strings attached.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


...its nasty little word to me. It wiggles its way into your heart silently and the effect can be devastating to say the least. I know, I know my out look on hope isn't that positive....but I will work on it.

The reason I have these feeling about hope is because it scares the S!*t out of me to actually have HOPE about something. Because when it doesn't happen I am so disappointed.

I don't like having hope cause then that means I have no control over the outcome. With hope, you just have to wait and see what happens.You just hold on for dear life......

I hope I can let someone love me one day

I hope I own my own bed and breakfast one day

I hope I can have a family of my own

I hope this year is better then last

I hope I can just move on

I hope one day I feel that the Lord actually loves me

I hope I don't lose anyone else that I love




I hope I am brave enough to have hope one day.....