The Prodigal Daughter

I have reeked of unbelief, of the world, of self deprivation , of not giving a s**t about anything He did on the cross for me. AND he still took me back. He still put his royal robe around me and his best jewels on my fingers after I walked down the long road back to him. He still made a feast for me to set at and consume while surrounded by celebration of my return even when I didn’t deserve it. I am the prodigal daughter.

　

I have held it against him, for years, at the vastness of which he loves me. It actually makes me mad to know that where ever I go whatever I do he will love me regardless. I don’t deserve anything that he gives me. He gave me this life I have because he loves me. It a big idea to wrap my brain around. It a big feeling to wrap my feeling around….this love of the creator of the universe.

He has followed me to Hell and back. He was in the dark with me. He was beside me when I was cutting myself to piece because I couldn’t handle anything around me. He was sitting beside me when I couldn’t feel anything from the lose that I had gone through . He was in the room when I didn’t want to live anymore…He was always there. I just didn’t want to feel him there. I have learned that God is still there even when you are ignoring him, not believing that he exist or just flat out flipping him the middle finger. He may give me some breathing room cause he is gentleman at the end of the day…but he never leaves me.

The things I have said , the things I have done the blatant disrespect I have shown him. The things I have yelled and screamed and cursed. I have pushed, shoved , kicked and bitten him( figuratively). All the attitude I have thrown at him….he still hasn’t left me. You think I would give up and believe that he loved me and that he was never leaving me…...but I don’t. I don’t deserve this captivated love of his But he has proven himself to me time and time again….He is not leaving me.

I am the prodigal daughter. I have returned after spending all my inheritance and waking up smelling like pig s**t. God welcomed me back . He is whispering his declaration of love to me everyday. BUT I am still standing on the front porch in disbelief, with my jaw dropped open, that he would take me back. That he could love me with out a second thought about it, with out making me jump through hoops for him to take me back. He didn’t yell or scream at me about how stupid I was for leaving. He didn’t tell me I told you so…..He just gave me the best of everything and told me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. He told me how beautiful I was and that I was good enough.

I am the prodigal daughter. My relationship with God is not anywhere near perfect. Its unusual and I am pretty sure it offends some people….but I have said my vows to him, I have made my covenant and whispered my declaration of love to him. Don’t get me wrong…I have tired to leave again but this time because of the vows and the covenant I have made… cant go anywhere….I am my beloveds and he is mine. That’s a scary kind of love to me….a love I don’t understand, on his part…why would he love me?

His love has been breathed into ever fiber of me.I am thankful for that kind of love. I am thankful that he found me time and time agian. Iam thankful that not materr how hard i puch him away he will never leave...even though it make sme made some time.

I am prodigal daughter…standing stunned into silence and disbelief at the front door.

　

　

　

God is the greatest example of true love. He show me everyday what it means to love someone cause he loves me just like Corinthians says….

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

The house that love built

Its been awhile! How have you been?! Life is a little different for me, nothing to interesting to go into. The world turns and seasons change and people come and go...no? That's what got me thinking about what i am about to write down.....hopefully this isn't too sad for you but its how I feel.....

My whole life I have never felt like I have a home. I have never felt like I have belonged, that I have fit in anywhere. I felt like I have been a vagabond a wander so to speak my whole life. I don't know why? I had a stable, loving home life growing up. Parents are still married, they are stilling living in my childhood home. Its just something inside of me that doesn't feel ...i don't know how to explain it....just...I have no home, no place to feel safe, to rest, to be sheltered, to be loved. There has been no physical place that has giving me this BUT there have been certain in people in my life that have made me feel that way. I have certain friends that have been my home. They have loved me, they sheltered me, they let me rest, they have loved me to a point that I feel human again.

I had some dark years. There were times I really didn't think I would ever be at place were I had feelings, or a stable mind  or let anyone truly close to me again. BUT I was blessed... I can think of a couple of friends that have never left my side no matter how dark the day was for me.....they loved me even though it was hard. I was a different person then...a little more difficult then my present self... is a nice way to put it. ha!

I have a couple of best friend currently.... what can I say about them. They are truly amazing women. They have loved me so graciously, so completely. They love me in spite of me being me. No matter what I say or how far I push them away on my bad days. Their hands have helped bind my wounds. their laughter has helped chase my sorrows away. Their loving words have sheltered me from the destruction I try to  rain on myself. Their hugs have made me feel safe. In there arms I trust myself enough to be me no matter what that looks for that day. I have shed tears with them and in front of them. I have shared laughter and heartache with them. They keep me sane, they keep me sheltered they keep reminding me that those dark days are gone . They remind me that there is life here in the present and they are here to live it with me. Their names are etched on little piece of my heart...wherever I go in this life..they are part of the reason that I got there. They are responsible for the ground that I stand on. I stand a little taller because of them and their love.

 The time they have so willing spent with me has put a belief in me that I can love someone and it be true and solid. Their love for me  has  built a house that I can linger in, that i can dance throw the halls in.... and understand what its like to have roots and what it means to share life, love, dreams, hope and futures with.. to have place that you belong. The house that love built around me is vast but cozy, elaborate but simple, loud but silent.....

I talk to these friends everyday. Mostly little text, inside jokes, updates about some random celebrity, a text saying i love you, or i miss you or come see me. My heart melts when i get those text saying.." i miss you" or the "i love you". Its a strange feeling that someone out there would be thinking about me and then actually care enough about me to want me there with them in that minute or care about me enough to say that the actually love me. I don't let a lot people close enough to me to  be at the point where they can show me affection. I don't like having feelings really, they are a messy business. I have a lot of walls up from my past, from depression, from protecting myself from others and protecting myself from myself. I am working on it...while standing in the house that love has built.

I truly believe the Lord has given me these friends . I see the Lord in them everyday. They are his hands and his feet. There healing words are from him.Their laughter is gift a life line so to say.

I can never repay them for what they have done for me. Words can not explain to you what they mean to me.There friendship is a blessing and a privilege. I have a home. I have place to put my life in order. This..... the house that love built, and I am so glad i finally found it.

The Lord is good and I see that everyday in my best friends!

xoxo,
Elisabeth

as the world flies by...

Can you feel it in the air?????????????? It’s FALL! And that means I am happy pretty much all the time right now. I sleep with my windows open; I can break out the hoodies and wear flip flops at the same time. The leaves are going to start changing any minute now! Corn maze, Renaissances festival, bon fires and Halloween!!!!!! I’m excited!!

Life has been changing for me lately. I have moved in with my friend Cristina, and it's going great. I love my new apartment, I have cable, my room is really big….like big! It feels right, I know this is where I belong right now in my life.
I’ve lost 25 lbs. I still have a long way to go to get where I want to be. But I am working hard and counting calories so it seems to be paying off.

I have other good things going on in my life …..but I am not going to talk about them right now. We are going to see how they play out. :)

I feel like it’s been a hard long year for me…and its finally taking a turn for the good. I know that anything good in life comes for God. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that feel like ….God is giving me a second to breathe here.

A glimpse

My life has been crazy lately. My life is in boxes, literally. I am moving in 20 days. I can’t find anything. I have no clothes. My books are packed up and that makes me sad. I feel like I don’t have enough packed up and yet too much is packed up….all at the same time. I am stressed…..Like fro real!

I’m not complaining. I am excited about moving. I am moving in with my good friend Cristina. She is wonderful…to me. I think she is really the only person that I let help me and care for me. She encourages me and sends me random text that are full of her “ ADD” thoughts of the day. She makes me take risk and she is always in my corner encouraging me to live. She is a blessing from God and I am thankful we get to live together. It’s going to be an adventure….to say the least.
20 days left to move- a million boxes to move up one flight of stairs- moving in with someone you know God has put in your life- priceless!

Currently -me and the Lord are working on some of my issues. It’s not really fun. It scares the crap out of me when he asks me to be BRAVE and face my fears. I feel like he has backed me into a corner, I have nowhere else to go but through it. I hate being brave….I hate it when he is right…I hate when he proves me wrong…..BUT I need Him desperately. I know I am talking in riddles…but that’s all I am going to say about that.

When is FALL getting here???!!!! I dream about it. I need it desperately in my life!!! I’ve been listening to a lot of Bon Iver recently ( and he reminds me of what fall feels like to me) so maybe that why I desperate for it to get here.

Things I am looking forward to- two of my dear friends are getting married. And I am excited to see them start their lives with their betrothed.

I have a lot more rolling around in this noggin but I am going to stop typing now. Left over thoughts are below…..

Adventure is out there!

What I have been working on lately…..
Not being scared of actually feeling happy
Being brave
Being kind
Not hiding
Letting people love me
Concurring my fear of letting people closer
And living my life….no matter what that looks like

Things I have learned in my short life….

My parents love me more then I love them
I can’t go a day with looking at art
I’ve been weird since the day I was born
I love people but I don’t like being around them
That once you love someone they leave
God is the love of my life..and sometimes I don’t like to be near him
Fall is my favorite season
I use music to know what it’s like to have feelings
I have about 95% less emotional feelings then normal people
Dusk is my favorite time of the day
I am hippie on the inside
I may be the only person that gets my since of humor
I am too broken to ever let someone one love me
Books are my coping mechanizes
I will never be pretty BUT I will always be funny
I will be 80 and still be reading comic books
Jesus and Shakespeare saved my life
I was born with the ability to cook
That I have too much wanderlust for my own good
I had to be Amish in another life
Diners are the BEST place to eat
Coffee..I can’t live without it..I don’t want to
That I am not brave enough to live this life that has been given to me
I want to be anywhere in the world but here
I am 100% crazy..and that really doesn’t bother me
That God loves me more then I will ever know
And in the end…it will all be ok…….

Easter...the super bowl for Christians.

This is the day that I am always reminded of how wonderful it is to be loved by God. He decided to come to earth, robe himself in flesh, be born in trough, and walk this earth as a man a radical rabbi. He submitted himself to the will of his heavenly Father. He was beaten, the skin from his body was ripped off him, a crown of thrones was given to him. He took it all willing and for me. He was nailed to a cross and on that cross his heart exploded for me. He thought about me while he was dying. He never wanted me to be on that cross. He died; he descended into hell on that third day he arose again from his grave. And when He arose from the grave He put death in that same grave.

I have eternal life. I will never need to know what hell looks like….because he paid my wages in desperate places…and I am thankful. Thankful for life I have received from him and thankful for the life I can share with others.
Lets us not forgot the great debut he paid for us. Let’s be thankful and full of hope and faith.

I am thankful he did not leave me to battle death on my own. I get to spend eternity with him….with no more pain..no more sorrow…no more tears. No more wholes in my heart, no more doubting, no more wondering…

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son .So that who so every believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Love is the message he brought to us. He showed us that when you love some one you lay down your life for them…and you never ask for anything in return. His love is the " no-strings attached" kind of love.His love is a powerful thing. It brings healing, redemption, wholeness and life. Life everlasting….

I love him with every fiber of my being.We have our good times and our bads times.( as you can see by my last post). I know when He tells me “I love you more than life itself” he means it. He loves me….and I am thankful for that. His love altered the universe and it altered me.

He has risen, He has risen indeed!

For all who are weary….

Cause that is what I am as of late. Weary.Tired.

Me and the Lord have been trying to get back to a good place. I really don’t know how to talk about it. We or I have hit a rough patch with him. He dug deep and asked me to deal with some issues I had towards him. Things I haven’t forgiven him for, things that had hurt me, things I was still bitter and anger about…things I was still pissed off about but I thought I had dealt them.

I have learned in my short life that forgiveness is like onion….there are many layers you have to get through. You might be wondering “why is she mad or hurt by God”….listen! It’s just like any other relationship you have things that get said or done and you get hurt. I don’t feel like I am making any since here….I feel like I am a horrible communicator.

Anyway, I think dealing with all this “stuff” with the Lord has really affected me in good ways and bad. I always go to God , when I need forgiveness to give to other. When someone has hurt me , I go to him and say” please put this forgiveness in my heart for this person cause I just don’t have in it me”. BUT where do I go when I need to forgive God…cause my forgiveness it’s there for Him. I can’t get over some of the stuff in my life I have had to through, I can’t bring myself to let him off the hook…I WANT ANSWERS..I WANT REASONS…DAMIT!!!! I just want to understand him…I want to trust him again; I want to forgive him…….but I can’t.

I love him, yes, but I don’t feel it today. He has done great things in my life, yes. Do I worship him, yes….. But I still doubt Him. Yes, I plan on having an ongoing relationship with him the rest of my life, defiantly. I gave up my rights to live without him long ago( long story I really don’t want o go into it right now).The thing is me and God talk about this stiff every day, I feel like I have made a couple steps forward…but not enough of them. I miss Him and He is standing right beside me so to speak. I will get through it, we will get through it…..it will not be pretty….but I believe there will be healing, emotionally, for me at the end of it. I have to believe that He cares for me…I just have to.

I do not think that I am the only one to have ever gone through something with God. I am not that egocentric. I am weary, tired, hurt, suffering cause I can’t get near him. There is something there between us. I just can’t get next to him. I can feel his breath on my cheeks but when I open my eyes he is miles and miles away and I am too weary to get to him. I am thirsty and nothing but the ocean is all around me.

“All who are thirstyAll who are weak Come to the fountain Dip your heart in the stream of life Let the pain and the sorrow Be washed away In the waves of his mercy As deep cries out to deep “-Kutless

I am sad because I know he loves me…and I just can’t feel it. Like a lot things in my life lately….I just can’t feel it. Enough of that! A lot of great things have been happing at church. I am in charge of the greeter ministry. So I am excited to see the changes the Lord is bring to this ministry in the next couple of months. I will write about it at some point…I never would have dreamed I would have been a greeter let alone the leader of the greeters. God works in mysterious ways….

My birthday is next Saturday. I am really not in the mood to do anything. I am working a lot, busy with church stuff, stressed about some other stuff….I am just tired and I want o be alone and not have to be entertaining or in a good mood for anybody. I just want to read some books and plant some flowers and listen to some music. I know I sound like a bitch…but I just want to be alone. I want some rest and peace…..I am taking two days off so hopefully I get to do some of the above. There are a lot of changes in the air, I am going to try to bunker down and survive them. Heres to a good couple of weeks…...hopefully!

See on the other side Brother!( LOST joke)

P.S. sorry this post was NO fun.

........

I really don't have a lot to say right now....

It Snowed...

(I know...I know..these photos are not working with me here...they want stay right side up.)

Dear anonymous:

Dear anonymous:

I just want to let you know that you don’t hurt me anymore. When I think of you there is no ill will, there is no wanting to bash your head into a wall, there is no love lose. There is no hoping you feel like s$%t because you hurt me. There is no wondering what you are doing right now BUT….But there is forgiveness. Forgiveness for not loving me the way you should have. Forgiveness for the way you treated me, forgiveness for all the horrible thing you said to me. There is forgiveness for you always "taking it out on me" even when it wasn't my fault.
There’s forgiveness for myself for letting you do all those thing to me. There forgiveness for myself for not realizing sooner that I deserve better people in my life then you.

There’s love….love that can only be given to us by our creator. Love that passes all understanding. I don’t want to forgive or love you. I want to stay hurt and be hateful to you. But the beauty of forgiveness…is being able to love the world even when they are beating you, spitting on you, cursing you and hoping you never get back up. Forgiveness is the strength to stand up and ask your abuser (the world) if they will forgive for you for whatever you have done to them.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to come by. It’s difficult, hard, long process…...and I am still in the middle of that process.I tell the Lord often that it really isn't fair that people/world can do whatever they want to us and we still have to forgive them.The Lord really doesn't respond to me but I do get a feeling that he understands where I am coming from.Think about it...He gave up his life for us and we still ignore him, blame him and abuse him, doubt him,hate him, yell at him and give him the cold shoulder on daily bases.He never holds it against, still loves us when come him and always answers in some way when we call on him. He gave us the best example of forgiveness.

You don't have to earn forgiveness ....it can be only given...no strings attached.

Hope....

...its nasty little word to me. It wiggles its way into your heart silently and the effect can be devastating to say the least. I know, I know my out look on hope isn't that positive....but I will work on it.



The reason I have these feeling about hope is because it scares the S!*t out of me to actually have HOPE about something. Because when it doesn't happen I am so disappointed.



I don't like having hope cause then that means I have no control over the outcome. With hope, you just have to wait and see what happens.You just hold on for dear life......



I hope I can let someone love me one day

I hope I own my own bed and breakfast one day

I hope I can have a family of my own

I hope this year is better then last

I hope I can just move on

I hope one day I feel that the Lord actually loves me

I hope I don't lose anyone else that I love



I HOPE...

I HOPE...

I HOPE...



I hope I am brave enough to have hope one day.....

This is my Altar….

Taking a look back on my year it has been busy and full of life. Something I would hope it would be. SO I am building an altar in remembrance of what the Lord as done this year. An altar you might say…what is this girl talking about. Well you build an altar to remember what took place on that spot. SO generation from now they too can look around see that the Lord did something there.

It’s been a rough year but a good year. I fought most of the year with Jesus but we are working it out. I couldn’t leave him if I tried. He owns me and he knows it. He likes to reminded me often that no matter how hard I push him away…I can’t. . He is always talking to, he is always loving me..even when I can’t love myself.

I started a blog. Its the scariest thing I think I have ever done. To write, to be honest about what is going on in my life and then to put it out there for people to read…..it not like me at all. I am not a writer by any means. I am not eloquent or profound. I do think it’s therapeutic for me.

I had a dream come true this year! I went to comic com. I cried. Such a girl, I know! I thought I would never be able to go.BUT happen, I went, I loved it. I was surrounded by geeks, creeps, nerds and herds of people. I was in geek heaven!! Comic book over load. Most importantly I came back in one piece. It was fast paced and crazy.I LOVED every signal minute of it. The best part about it I went with one my best friends so it made it even more special.





I hurt my back this year. It was one of the toughest things I have had to go through. I did it without medication. Let me tell ya that my friend was a bitch!! I knew the Lord did not want me to take pain killers so I didn’t. I know you are thinking I am crazy, well..I am! I try to be homeopathic as much as I can in my life, Alternative medicine is my first option. Don’t get me wrong I am still thankful for modern medicine.

One of my best friends, Annie, had her first child Chloe. There is something about seeing someone you love get what they have wanted for most of their life. I was beyond excited for Chloe to come into this world!!! I love that little girl more then I think anyone realizes. She is sweet, perfect, loving and cute as a button. Chloe is special to me, I can’t explain it, but I hope I can see her grow up.





I became the Greeter Leader at my church. I don’t know why they thought it was a good idea to put me in charge of something…but they did. It has changed my life. Its ministry, I feel like I fail more then I achieve. I could be a better leader, I am horrible at spreadsheets and yet I have to make them all the time. HA! God has a sense of humor, doesn’t HE? I love my church and I am humbles and honored that let me serve them every week by welcoming them into place where they encounter God. To some people they just see a girl , opening a door, saying good morning. BUT to me …to me.. its fulfilling a calling that God has given me. I get to love the “stranger”..I have the pleasure of welcoming the parricidal sons and daughters of God back into The Kingdom….. and that in itself is a gift for me. I think it a miracle in its itself that me, of all people, is talking about loving a church, serving a church and loving people. If you would have ask me 5 years ago if that would happen I would have laughed in your face and told you, no, it would have never happen. That’s a different story for a different time.

I had my 10 year high school reunion. It’s always interesting to have all of us in the same room…… we will leave it at that.



I changed positions at my job. It was hard and it still is.

I did a lot of cooking AND that always makes me happy. I may not be good at a lot of things in life…but I am good at cooking.

There’s a lot more that has happen this year but there’s glimpse into.
I have changed a lot this year; I can’t put it into words how I have changed….I just have. Maybe this means that this coming year will be filled with new things! I sure hope so…..I hope it is filled with adventure, sunsets, laughter, and good food, dreams that come true and love. So, this is my altar however flimsy it may be . I know for a first time in a long time….I have actually lived a life this year…I haven’t let myself do that in a long time and it felt good.

Just so you know I was thinking of you....

Christmas. Not my favorite time of the year. I feel so emotionally inadequate. I went through a rough couple of years in my younger days and I have been left with not all of my emotions intact. It really shows up this time of year. I have to work really hard to focus on the present day and not the past…

I can’t find the words to write down how I feel about this time of year and it make me frustrated. I don’t like feeling frustrated it makes me think I am stupid. I am weird..yes..I know this.

I am not a scrooge. I love giving gifts and I am glad Jesus was born……I just think….its just hard for me to ….i will never be normal. I can’t feel the same things everybody else is.

I know I have been healed from my past ( depression and hurting myself) but I am still not a whole girl. I still struggle on a day to day basis of grasping onto and owning my healing .Maybe one day when I say “Happy Christmas” I will mean it and not feel like they are empty words bounce off the walls.

I push my feeling aside, I take a deep breath, I block out thoughts of scissors….I put a smile on..I say “Merry Christmas” and I hope the people beside me know that I care about them enough to fight everyday to find my way to a place where…I can feel. It sounds dramatic but some days that's just the plain truth.


One good thing..I laughed a lot these last couple of days. That always a good sign….
One thankful thing…I spent Christmas with people that I love (family and friends new and old)…
One thing that never happen before…we had a white Christmas. I wasn’t excited about it but everybody else was.
One of my favorite gifts...A real copper British tea kettle.Can you say in love?

Enough about that! A new year is around the corner and I am excited about that. I hope it’s filled with new and unexpected things.

Gesh!

I have had a lot going on lately!!! Currently right now I am seating at home with a bad back( I healed in the name of Jesus).

Moving on! Work is crazy, its hard, its stressful and I am thankful I have a job. Maybe one day i will get to doing something I love.

I have been really busy at church. I love that place! I love serving this community I have found. I am the greeter leader...i am responsible for making sure you feel welcomed when you walk in through the front doors. I love it! i think its part of my calling for right now. I feel like there are certain parts of me that were made for this " calling".

I have been hanging out with my friends...I love them. I wish I could spend all day with them. :)

the holidays are around the corner BUT first there is FALL. I love Fall...everything about it. i cant wait. Christmas on the other hand can just pass on by.

OK, i need to go lay down now. See ya later!

I tried to leave God

A few years ago I tried to leave God. I was done, I blame him for everything that had gone horribly wrong in my life.I was really unfair to him.

I gave up trying to even pretend that I was OK. I wasn't OK...HE wasn't making any better..he wasn't taking all my pain away. ( I have changed my point of view since then )

I tried it my way for little while. I ended up more hurt and more bitter.

The first conversation I had with him right after I deiced that was tired of this S___t was like this:

Me: OK........I am ready.
God:Me too, I have been waiting for you, I've been missing you.


Me:I give up, we can do it your way now.

This conversation has continued for years now.He has healed me, forgiven me, loved me, changed me......his never left me. no matter what I have said to him ( and I have said a lot) his never pushed me away.

I know now, looking back, that I was the one that pushed myself away from him but that he followed me where ever I went.

I was reminded about this time in my life while I was reading one of my favorite blogs tonight.He was talking about Psalms 139...

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Then the blogger said "Good or bad, I can’t run from Him…He’s already everywhere that I’m heading. " And that's when I said AMEN!!!

He's already everywhere that I'm heading.....

God has changed me and my life over the past couple of years....that even if I tired to leave Him I couldn't. I want to , all the time, This is the hardest relationship I have ever had.Some days I am not up for it...but no matter how I feel about our relationship or him, he is always standing right there beside me.Good or bad, I can’t run from Him .


It pisses me off some days, that I cant run from him....

But I truly love him so much I cant stand not be near him for more then a couple of days. Lame!!! I know.

I tried to leave God and I found out...Good or bad, I can’t run from Him…He’s already everywhere that I’m heading.

The beginnings of my bucket list….

Before I start writing my list , my question to you is.......Should one ever stop putting new things on there " Bucket List"?

My answer for me is..NO. I hope that I never stop putting things on my " Bucket List". If I do I think that will be the point where I stop hoping and dreaming for thing to come into my life. I never want to stop asking for more out of my life. Does anybody out there know what I mean?


In no particular order...


-Pet and feed a giraffe
-Get a tattoo
-To go to Comic Con : Done
-To learn another language
-To have a job that I love
-To write something meaningful land beautiful
-To go to these places:
Vancouver
Seattle
London
Ireland
Spain
Switzerland
Israel

-To make a difference in someones life
-To go to the Olympics( to watch ..not to be in it!)
-Enter a cooking contest


That is it for today.

I will keep thinking....

Post -Con

As I am sitting here getting ready to tell you about one the best trips of my life.... and I have some type of cold\sinus crud. Thats what you get with 4 plan rides and 4 days among 167,000 people.

COMIC CON!!!!! was amazing. I had the best time. It was everything I hoped for and more. I really cant put it all in words, I am still processing everything. It was 5 full days. We did ALOT. We saw some panels, big bang theory, chuck, true blood,bones...I could go on and on.

There was ALOT and by that I mean ALOT of people where ever we went. But I never felt like we couldn't get any where. Sure we stood in lines for hours to get into the panels we wanted to see but I thought the crowed control went well. The Con was a well oiled machine.

I saw some great new comics and comic artist, saw cool comic book related stuff. I got to see some movie stars and hang out with some great friends.

I had a wonderful time with Michelle and Paul. There was a lot of walking.....But I had a grand time. It was a dream come true!!!

Pre-Con

So the day has come....the day I thought would never come.....COMIC CON.

I never thought I would be able to go. It was on my bucket list. Every year it happens and every year I am jealous I am not there.

I am still in awe of the fact that there is a chance I will be in the same space as some of my favorite comic book legends.( Stan Lee and Marc Silvestri to name a few.)There may be some geek tears shed during this 4 day geek freak debacle. I mean after all its not everyday a geeky girls dreams come true.

I am going to brave the seas of geek humanity to behold the Mecca of our ( comic book) geek religion.This is our sanctuary, our holy land. This is where we pray to the gods of Marvel and DC, Dark Horse , Top Cow and Vertigo.

I am trying to not go into this experience with too many expectation. I have hopes, dream and reality.

Hopes that I will somehow get more signatures from artist and stars then I expected.Hopes of being able to see fantastic graphic novel art ( my favorite kind)! Hopes of find something cool among the vender's to buy and bring home.

Dreams. I have dreams that some how when I am at the Tweet- House party Zachary Levi will see me, fall madly in love with me and I can have all his babies. ( Too personal?! sorry!)

Real Dream. I get to meet Stan Lee . I am a Marvel girl after all. I only read Marvel comic, X-men to be exact.

Reality.Things I know to expect. LOTS and LOTS of people, and entirely to much spandex :shudders:....and I am about to geek out like I have never done before.

I am so excited !!! I am looking forward to a trip with good friends, visiting one of my favorite cites and swimming in seas of comic book geek-y-ness. Wish me luck!!

Love...its strange

Love is powerful thing. It changes’ you ……When you let it. The moment you let in …it changes your life forever.

I am not just talking about a love between couples. I am still single so I haven’t really gotten to that type of commitment yet.

I am talking about your family, friends, place in the world. When it hits you one day…” I love _____.” The first time a parent sees’s there kid. The first time you have the most perfect chocolate croissant. The first time you decided this person seating beside you is your new best friend. The moment you fall in love with a book I could go on and on.

I fall in love with places. Does that sound weird? Book stores. I love bookstores. I am pretty sure the inside of my heat looks like one. I love the way they smell…..like paper and ink and coffee….I love that air never moves, it quite, it has lots and lots of shelves. I love that you feel all the unread words in the air circling around you head. I love how a book can find you. I love how you can fall in love with a book…The language, the feelings, the rhythm and the rhyme of the writer. The characters, the setting…I love how I get attached to books. I love the feel a new hardback book. So crisp!! And that smell….that’s what words smell like to me.

My love affair with books and book stores go back to when I was younger. I had tough time learning how to read and to spell. I still struggle with spelling. My brain just gets confused. Anyway when I was teenager I feel in love with reading….it calms me down it helps me focus…it makes me happy to read. Reading is quite…I like the quite. I am not a bigger talker..I can have a conversation, yes but I don’t need to fell the empty space with talk. I love everything about a book the pages, the ink, the glue…….. Everything.

I love fall, the season, its cold and quite. It smells of fallen summer. The leaves are on the ground. I can wear hoodies and flip flops at the same time. There are apples, and carved pumpkins, chocolate dip marshmallows, trips to the mountains…the sun sets early. If I was a season I would be fall. The music group Bon Iver sounds like what fall feels like to me. Does that make scenes?? I am at my happiest when it is fall. I go outside in the cool air and read….and I am Happy and content.

I love my friends. Deeply. I would do anything for them. I love laughing with them, eating with them, going on trips with them…just spending time with them. It still amazes me that people want to be my friend. I am not the easiest person to have around some times. I love my friends because they let me be me. They let me love art, listen to weird music, read comic books, wear stupid shirts about stolen bikes, they let me teach there kids about comic books, they eat my cooking, they let me say sassy things and get away with it. I think they love me too but I never like to assume anything. My friends make me happy, they support me, and they tell me when I am being stupid. I know I love them because I would be willing to have them around for the rest of my life…

When I let myself actual love something or someone…it changes me. I am never the person I was before. This is a why I am always cautious to let someone into my life...I want to make sure I am loving the right person, whoever it may be.


I love places I haven't even been yet. Like Spain...I know I will love it one day when I actually get to go see.London..Defiantly.Ireland...we were made for each other.Seattle..how could i not love it.


Love....its a strange thing to me.I still try to resist it.....God doesn't like it when I do that.But when i do break down and Love something or someone it changes me.

FREAKING OUT!!!!!

I am freaking out!!!! Why you may ask....Cause I am going to COMIC CON!!! Comic F!#king Con.If you don't know what it is, it is comic book / sci fi convention that happens every year in San Diego. If you are a geek , like me, then this is your mother ship coming home. This is your Mecca....this is were you go to see , and geek out, on everything comic book and sci fi related.

I am still in shock that I am going. It hasn't hit me yet.I have already cried about the fact that I am going. This is a dream come true for me, seriously.

I will be going with my friends Michelle and Paul.It's going to be AWESOME.

This may really be one of the first things I get to check off my "bucket list". ( I will try to put that up later this week)

I am going to see so many freaks and geeks..it is going to be ridiculous.



Omg! OMG! OMG!!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!!omg..omg! omg!!! I can't believe this is happening....EEEKKKK!