Dear anonymous:

Dear anonymous:

I just want to let you know that you don’t hurt me anymore. When I think of you there is no ill will, there is no wanting to bash your head into a wall, there is no love lose. There is no hoping you feel like s$%t because you hurt me. There is no wondering what you are doing right now BUT….But there is forgiveness. Forgiveness for not loving me the way you should have. Forgiveness for the way you treated me, forgiveness for all the horrible thing you said to me. There is forgiveness for you always "taking it out on me" even when it wasn't my fault.
There’s forgiveness for myself for letting you do all those thing to me. There forgiveness for myself for not realizing sooner that I deserve better people in my life then you.

There’s love….love that can only be given to us by our creator. Love that passes all understanding. I don’t want to forgive or love you. I want to stay hurt and be hateful to you. But the beauty of forgiveness…is being able to love the world even when they are beating you, spitting on you, cursing you and hoping you never get back up. Forgiveness is the strength to stand up and ask your abuser (the world) if they will forgive for you for whatever you have done to them.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to come by. It’s difficult, hard, long process…...and I am still in the middle of that process.I tell the Lord often that it really isn't fair that people/world can do whatever they want to us and we still have to forgive them.The Lord really doesn't respond to me but I do get a feeling that he understands where I am coming from.Think about it...He gave up his life for us and we still ignore him, blame him and abuse him, doubt him,hate him, yell at him and give him the cold shoulder on daily bases.He never holds it against, still loves us when come him and always answers in some way when we call on him. He gave us the best example of forgiveness.

You don't have to earn forgiveness ....it can be only given...no strings attached.

Hope....

...its nasty little word to me. It wiggles its way into your heart silently and the effect can be devastating to say the least. I know, I know my out look on hope isn't that positive....but I will work on it.



The reason I have these feeling about hope is because it scares the S!*t out of me to actually have HOPE about something. Because when it doesn't happen I am so disappointed.



I don't like having hope cause then that means I have no control over the outcome. With hope, you just have to wait and see what happens.You just hold on for dear life......



I hope I can let someone love me one day

I hope I own my own bed and breakfast one day

I hope I can have a family of my own

I hope this year is better then last

I hope I can just move on

I hope one day I feel that the Lord actually loves me

I hope I don't lose anyone else that I love



I HOPE...

I HOPE...

I HOPE...



I hope I am brave enough to have hope one day.....

This is my Altar….

Taking a look back on my year it has been busy and full of life. Something I would hope it would be. SO I am building an altar in remembrance of what the Lord as done this year. An altar you might say…what is this girl talking about. Well you build an altar to remember what took place on that spot. SO generation from now they too can look around see that the Lord did something there.

It’s been a rough year but a good year. I fought most of the year with Jesus but we are working it out. I couldn’t leave him if I tried. He owns me and he knows it. He likes to reminded me often that no matter how hard I push him away…I can’t. . He is always talking to, he is always loving me..even when I can’t love myself.

I started a blog. Its the scariest thing I think I have ever done. To write, to be honest about what is going on in my life and then to put it out there for people to read…..it not like me at all. I am not a writer by any means. I am not eloquent or profound. I do think it’s therapeutic for me.

I had a dream come true this year! I went to comic com. I cried. Such a girl, I know! I thought I would never be able to go.BUT happen, I went, I loved it. I was surrounded by geeks, creeps, nerds and herds of people. I was in geek heaven!! Comic book over load. Most importantly I came back in one piece. It was fast paced and crazy.I LOVED every signal minute of it. The best part about it I went with one my best friends so it made it even more special.





I hurt my back this year. It was one of the toughest things I have had to go through. I did it without medication. Let me tell ya that my friend was a bitch!! I knew the Lord did not want me to take pain killers so I didn’t. I know you are thinking I am crazy, well..I am! I try to be homeopathic as much as I can in my life, Alternative medicine is my first option. Don’t get me wrong I am still thankful for modern medicine.

One of my best friends, Annie, had her first child Chloe. There is something about seeing someone you love get what they have wanted for most of their life. I was beyond excited for Chloe to come into this world!!! I love that little girl more then I think anyone realizes. She is sweet, perfect, loving and cute as a button. Chloe is special to me, I can’t explain it, but I hope I can see her grow up.





I became the Greeter Leader at my church. I don’t know why they thought it was a good idea to put me in charge of something…but they did. It has changed my life. Its ministry, I feel like I fail more then I achieve. I could be a better leader, I am horrible at spreadsheets and yet I have to make them all the time. HA! God has a sense of humor, doesn’t HE? I love my church and I am humbles and honored that let me serve them every week by welcoming them into place where they encounter God. To some people they just see a girl , opening a door, saying good morning. BUT to me …to me.. its fulfilling a calling that God has given me. I get to love the “stranger”..I have the pleasure of welcoming the parricidal sons and daughters of God back into The Kingdom….. and that in itself is a gift for me. I think it a miracle in its itself that me, of all people, is talking about loving a church, serving a church and loving people. If you would have ask me 5 years ago if that would happen I would have laughed in your face and told you, no, it would have never happen. That’s a different story for a different time.

I had my 10 year high school reunion. It’s always interesting to have all of us in the same room…… we will leave it at that.



I changed positions at my job. It was hard and it still is.

I did a lot of cooking AND that always makes me happy. I may not be good at a lot of things in life…but I am good at cooking.

There’s a lot more that has happen this year but there’s glimpse into.
I have changed a lot this year; I can’t put it into words how I have changed….I just have. Maybe this means that this coming year will be filled with new things! I sure hope so…..I hope it is filled with adventure, sunsets, laughter, and good food, dreams that come true and love. So, this is my altar however flimsy it may be . I know for a first time in a long time….I have actually lived a life this year…I haven’t let myself do that in a long time and it felt good.

Just so you know I was thinking of you....

Christmas. Not my favorite time of the year. I feel so emotionally inadequate. I went through a rough couple of years in my younger days and I have been left with not all of my emotions intact. It really shows up this time of year. I have to work really hard to focus on the present day and not the past…

I can’t find the words to write down how I feel about this time of year and it make me frustrated. I don’t like feeling frustrated it makes me think I am stupid. I am weird..yes..I know this.

I am not a scrooge. I love giving gifts and I am glad Jesus was born……I just think….its just hard for me to ….i will never be normal. I can’t feel the same things everybody else is.

I know I have been healed from my past ( depression and hurting myself) but I am still not a whole girl. I still struggle on a day to day basis of grasping onto and owning my healing .Maybe one day when I say “Happy Christmas” I will mean it and not feel like they are empty words bounce off the walls.

I push my feeling aside, I take a deep breath, I block out thoughts of scissors….I put a smile on..I say “Merry Christmas” and I hope the people beside me know that I care about them enough to fight everyday to find my way to a place where…I can feel. It sounds dramatic but some days that's just the plain truth.


One good thing..I laughed a lot these last couple of days. That always a good sign….
One thankful thing…I spent Christmas with people that I love (family and friends new and old)…
One thing that never happen before…we had a white Christmas. I wasn’t excited about it but everybody else was.
One of my favorite gifts...A real copper British tea kettle.Can you say in love?

Enough about that! A new year is around the corner and I am excited about that. I hope it’s filled with new and unexpected things.

Gesh!

I have had a lot going on lately!!! Currently right now I am seating at home with a bad back( I healed in the name of Jesus).

Moving on! Work is crazy, its hard, its stressful and I am thankful I have a job. Maybe one day i will get to doing something I love.

I have been really busy at church. I love that place! I love serving this community I have found. I am the greeter leader...i am responsible for making sure you feel welcomed when you walk in through the front doors. I love it! i think its part of my calling for right now. I feel like there are certain parts of me that were made for this " calling".

I have been hanging out with my friends...I love them. I wish I could spend all day with them. :)

the holidays are around the corner BUT first there is FALL. I love Fall...everything about it. i cant wait. Christmas on the other hand can just pass on by.

OK, i need to go lay down now. See ya later!

I tried to leave God

A few years ago I tried to leave God. I was done, I blame him for everything that had gone horribly wrong in my life.I was really unfair to him.

I gave up trying to even pretend that I was OK. I wasn't OK...HE wasn't making any better..he wasn't taking all my pain away. ( I have changed my point of view since then )

I tried it my way for little while. I ended up more hurt and more bitter.

The first conversation I had with him right after I deiced that was tired of this S___t was like this:

Me: OK........I am ready.
God:Me too, I have been waiting for you, I've been missing you.


Me:I give up, we can do it your way now.

This conversation has continued for years now.He has healed me, forgiven me, loved me, changed me......his never left me. no matter what I have said to him ( and I have said a lot) his never pushed me away.

I know now, looking back, that I was the one that pushed myself away from him but that he followed me where ever I went.

I was reminded about this time in my life while I was reading one of my favorite blogs tonight.He was talking about Psalms 139...

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Then the blogger said "Good or bad, I can’t run from Him…He’s already everywhere that I’m heading. " And that's when I said AMEN!!!

He's already everywhere that I'm heading.....

God has changed me and my life over the past couple of years....that even if I tired to leave Him I couldn't. I want to , all the time, This is the hardest relationship I have ever had.Some days I am not up for it...but no matter how I feel about our relationship or him, he is always standing right there beside me.Good or bad, I can’t run from Him .


It pisses me off some days, that I cant run from him....

But I truly love him so much I cant stand not be near him for more then a couple of days. Lame!!! I know.

I tried to leave God and I found out...Good or bad, I can’t run from Him…He’s already everywhere that I’m heading.

The beginnings of my bucket list….

Before I start writing my list , my question to you is.......Should one ever stop putting new things on there " Bucket List"?

My answer for me is..NO. I hope that I never stop putting things on my " Bucket List". If I do I think that will be the point where I stop hoping and dreaming for thing to come into my life. I never want to stop asking for more out of my life. Does anybody out there know what I mean?


In no particular order...


-Pet and feed a giraffe
-Get a tattoo
-To go to Comic Con : Done
-To learn another language
-To have a job that I love
-To write something meaningful land beautiful
-To go to these places:
Vancouver
Seattle
London
Ireland
Spain
Switzerland
Israel

-To make a difference in someones life
-To go to the Olympics( to watch ..not to be in it!)
-Enter a cooking contest


That is it for today.

I will keep thinking....