For all who are weary….

Cause that is what I am as of late. Weary.Tired.

Me and the Lord have been trying to get back to a good place. I really don’t know how to talk about it. We or I have hit a rough patch with him. He dug deep and asked me to deal with some issues I had towards him. Things I haven’t forgiven him for, things that had hurt me, things I was still bitter and anger about…things I was still pissed off about but I thought I had dealt them.

I have learned in my short life that forgiveness is like onion….there are many layers you have to get through. You might be wondering “why is she mad or hurt by God”….listen! It’s just like any other relationship you have things that get said or done and you get hurt. I don’t feel like I am making any since here….I feel like I am a horrible communicator.

Anyway, I think dealing with all this “stuff” with the Lord has really affected me in good ways and bad. I always go to God , when I need forgiveness to give to other. When someone has hurt me , I go to him and say” please put this forgiveness in my heart for this person cause I just don’t have in it me”. BUT where do I go when I need to forgive God…cause my forgiveness it’s there for Him. I can’t get over some of the stuff in my life I have had to through, I can’t bring myself to let him off the hook…I WANT ANSWERS..I WANT REASONS…DAMIT!!!! I just want to understand him…I want to trust him again; I want to forgive him…….but I can’t.

I love him, yes, but I don’t feel it today. He has done great things in my life, yes. Do I worship him, yes….. But I still doubt Him. Yes, I plan on having an ongoing relationship with him the rest of my life, defiantly. I gave up my rights to live without him long ago( long story I really don’t want o go into it right now).The thing is me and God talk about this stiff every day, I feel like I have made a couple steps forward…but not enough of them. I miss Him and He is standing right beside me so to speak. I will get through it, we will get through it…..it will not be pretty….but I believe there will be healing, emotionally, for me at the end of it. I have to believe that He cares for me…I just have to.

I do not think that I am the only one to have ever gone through something with God. I am not that egocentric. I am weary, tired, hurt, suffering cause I can’t get near him. There is something there between us. I just can’t get next to him. I can feel his breath on my cheeks but when I open my eyes he is miles and miles away and I am too weary to get to him. I am thirsty and nothing but the ocean is all around me.

“All who are thirstyAll who are weak Come to the fountain Dip your heart in the stream of life Let the pain and the sorrow Be washed away In the waves of his mercy As deep cries out to deep “-Kutless

I am sad because I know he loves me…and I just can’t feel it. Like a lot things in my life lately….I just can’t feel it. Enough of that! A lot of great things have been happing at church. I am in charge of the greeter ministry. So I am excited to see the changes the Lord is bring to this ministry in the next couple of months. I will write about it at some point…I never would have dreamed I would have been a greeter let alone the leader of the greeters. God works in mysterious ways….

My birthday is next Saturday. I am really not in the mood to do anything. I am working a lot, busy with church stuff, stressed about some other stuff….I am just tired and I want o be alone and not have to be entertaining or in a good mood for anybody. I just want to read some books and plant some flowers and listen to some music. I know I sound like a bitch…but I just want to be alone. I want some rest and peace…..I am taking two days off so hopefully I get to do some of the above. There are a lot of changes in the air, I am going to try to bunker down and survive them. Heres to a good couple of weeks…...hopefully!

See on the other side Brother!( LOST joke)

P.S. sorry this post was NO fun.

........

I really don't have a lot to say right now....

It Snowed...

(I know...I know..these photos are not working with me here...they want stay right side up.)

Dear anonymous:

Dear anonymous:

I just want to let you know that you don’t hurt me anymore. When I think of you there is no ill will, there is no wanting to bash your head into a wall, there is no love lose. There is no hoping you feel like s$%t because you hurt me. There is no wondering what you are doing right now BUT….But there is forgiveness. Forgiveness for not loving me the way you should have. Forgiveness for the way you treated me, forgiveness for all the horrible thing you said to me. There is forgiveness for you always "taking it out on me" even when it wasn't my fault.
There’s forgiveness for myself for letting you do all those thing to me. There forgiveness for myself for not realizing sooner that I deserve better people in my life then you.

There’s love….love that can only be given to us by our creator. Love that passes all understanding. I don’t want to forgive or love you. I want to stay hurt and be hateful to you. But the beauty of forgiveness…is being able to love the world even when they are beating you, spitting on you, cursing you and hoping you never get back up. Forgiveness is the strength to stand up and ask your abuser (the world) if they will forgive for you for whatever you have done to them.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to come by. It’s difficult, hard, long process…...and I am still in the middle of that process.I tell the Lord often that it really isn't fair that people/world can do whatever they want to us and we still have to forgive them.The Lord really doesn't respond to me but I do get a feeling that he understands where I am coming from.Think about it...He gave up his life for us and we still ignore him, blame him and abuse him, doubt him,hate him, yell at him and give him the cold shoulder on daily bases.He never holds it against, still loves us when come him and always answers in some way when we call on him. He gave us the best example of forgiveness.

You don't have to earn forgiveness ....it can be only given...no strings attached.

Hope....

...its nasty little word to me. It wiggles its way into your heart silently and the effect can be devastating to say the least. I know, I know my out look on hope isn't that positive....but I will work on it.



The reason I have these feeling about hope is because it scares the S!*t out of me to actually have HOPE about something. Because when it doesn't happen I am so disappointed.



I don't like having hope cause then that means I have no control over the outcome. With hope, you just have to wait and see what happens.You just hold on for dear life......



I hope I can let someone love me one day

I hope I own my own bed and breakfast one day

I hope I can have a family of my own

I hope this year is better then last

I hope I can just move on

I hope one day I feel that the Lord actually loves me

I hope I don't lose anyone else that I love



I HOPE...

I HOPE...

I HOPE...



I hope I am brave enough to have hope one day.....

This is my Altar….

Taking a look back on my year it has been busy and full of life. Something I would hope it would be. SO I am building an altar in remembrance of what the Lord as done this year. An altar you might say…what is this girl talking about. Well you build an altar to remember what took place on that spot. SO generation from now they too can look around see that the Lord did something there.

It’s been a rough year but a good year. I fought most of the year with Jesus but we are working it out. I couldn’t leave him if I tried. He owns me and he knows it. He likes to reminded me often that no matter how hard I push him away…I can’t. . He is always talking to, he is always loving me..even when I can’t love myself.

I started a blog. Its the scariest thing I think I have ever done. To write, to be honest about what is going on in my life and then to put it out there for people to read…..it not like me at all. I am not a writer by any means. I am not eloquent or profound. I do think it’s therapeutic for me.

I had a dream come true this year! I went to comic com. I cried. Such a girl, I know! I thought I would never be able to go.BUT happen, I went, I loved it. I was surrounded by geeks, creeps, nerds and herds of people. I was in geek heaven!! Comic book over load. Most importantly I came back in one piece. It was fast paced and crazy.I LOVED every signal minute of it. The best part about it I went with one my best friends so it made it even more special.





I hurt my back this year. It was one of the toughest things I have had to go through. I did it without medication. Let me tell ya that my friend was a bitch!! I knew the Lord did not want me to take pain killers so I didn’t. I know you are thinking I am crazy, well..I am! I try to be homeopathic as much as I can in my life, Alternative medicine is my first option. Don’t get me wrong I am still thankful for modern medicine.

One of my best friends, Annie, had her first child Chloe. There is something about seeing someone you love get what they have wanted for most of their life. I was beyond excited for Chloe to come into this world!!! I love that little girl more then I think anyone realizes. She is sweet, perfect, loving and cute as a button. Chloe is special to me, I can’t explain it, but I hope I can see her grow up.





I became the Greeter Leader at my church. I don’t know why they thought it was a good idea to put me in charge of something…but they did. It has changed my life. Its ministry, I feel like I fail more then I achieve. I could be a better leader, I am horrible at spreadsheets and yet I have to make them all the time. HA! God has a sense of humor, doesn’t HE? I love my church and I am humbles and honored that let me serve them every week by welcoming them into place where they encounter God. To some people they just see a girl , opening a door, saying good morning. BUT to me …to me.. its fulfilling a calling that God has given me. I get to love the “stranger”..I have the pleasure of welcoming the parricidal sons and daughters of God back into The Kingdom….. and that in itself is a gift for me. I think it a miracle in its itself that me, of all people, is talking about loving a church, serving a church and loving people. If you would have ask me 5 years ago if that would happen I would have laughed in your face and told you, no, it would have never happen. That’s a different story for a different time.

I had my 10 year high school reunion. It’s always interesting to have all of us in the same room…… we will leave it at that.



I changed positions at my job. It was hard and it still is.

I did a lot of cooking AND that always makes me happy. I may not be good at a lot of things in life…but I am good at cooking.

There’s a lot more that has happen this year but there’s glimpse into.
I have changed a lot this year; I can’t put it into words how I have changed….I just have. Maybe this means that this coming year will be filled with new things! I sure hope so…..I hope it is filled with adventure, sunsets, laughter, and good food, dreams that come true and love. So, this is my altar however flimsy it may be . I know for a first time in a long time….I have actually lived a life this year…I haven’t let myself do that in a long time and it felt good.

Just so you know I was thinking of you....

Christmas. Not my favorite time of the year. I feel so emotionally inadequate. I went through a rough couple of years in my younger days and I have been left with not all of my emotions intact. It really shows up this time of year. I have to work really hard to focus on the present day and not the past…

I can’t find the words to write down how I feel about this time of year and it make me frustrated. I don’t like feeling frustrated it makes me think I am stupid. I am weird..yes..I know this.

I am not a scrooge. I love giving gifts and I am glad Jesus was born……I just think….its just hard for me to ….i will never be normal. I can’t feel the same things everybody else is.

I know I have been healed from my past ( depression and hurting myself) but I am still not a whole girl. I still struggle on a day to day basis of grasping onto and owning my healing .Maybe one day when I say “Happy Christmas” I will mean it and not feel like they are empty words bounce off the walls.

I push my feeling aside, I take a deep breath, I block out thoughts of scissors….I put a smile on..I say “Merry Christmas” and I hope the people beside me know that I care about them enough to fight everyday to find my way to a place where…I can feel. It sounds dramatic but some days that's just the plain truth.


One good thing..I laughed a lot these last couple of days. That always a good sign….
One thankful thing…I spent Christmas with people that I love (family and friends new and old)…
One thing that never happen before…we had a white Christmas. I wasn’t excited about it but everybody else was.
One of my favorite gifts...A real copper British tea kettle.Can you say in love?

Enough about that! A new year is around the corner and I am excited about that. I hope it’s filled with new and unexpected things.