I tried to leave God

A few years ago I tried to leave God. I was done, I blame him for everything that had gone horribly wrong in my life.I was really unfair to him.

I gave up trying to even pretend that I was OK. I wasn't OK...HE wasn't making any better..he wasn't taking all my pain away. ( I have changed my point of view since then )

I tried it my way for little while. I ended up more hurt and more bitter.

The first conversation I had with him right after I deiced that was tired of this S___t was like this:

Me: OK........I am ready.
God:Me too, I have been waiting for you, I've been missing you.


Me:I give up, we can do it your way now.

This conversation has continued for years now.He has healed me, forgiven me, loved me, changed me......his never left me. no matter what I have said to him ( and I have said a lot) his never pushed me away.

I know now, looking back, that I was the one that pushed myself away from him but that he followed me where ever I went.

I was reminded about this time in my life while I was reading one of my favorite blogs tonight.He was talking about Psalms 139...

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Then the blogger said "Good or bad, I can’t run from Him…He’s already everywhere that I’m heading. " And that's when I said AMEN!!!

He's already everywhere that I'm heading.....

God has changed me and my life over the past couple of years....that even if I tired to leave Him I couldn't. I want to , all the time, This is the hardest relationship I have ever had.Some days I am not up for it...but no matter how I feel about our relationship or him, he is always standing right there beside me.Good or bad, I can’t run from Him .


It pisses me off some days, that I cant run from him....

But I truly love him so much I cant stand not be near him for more then a couple of days. Lame!!! I know.

I tried to leave God and I found out...Good or bad, I can’t run from Him…He’s already everywhere that I’m heading.

The beginnings of my bucket list….

Before I start writing my list , my question to you is.......Should one ever stop putting new things on there " Bucket List"?

My answer for me is..NO. I hope that I never stop putting things on my " Bucket List". If I do I think that will be the point where I stop hoping and dreaming for thing to come into my life. I never want to stop asking for more out of my life. Does anybody out there know what I mean?


In no particular order...


-Pet and feed a giraffe
-Get a tattoo
-To go to Comic Con : Done
-To learn another language
-To have a job that I love
-To write something meaningful land beautiful
-To go to these places:
Vancouver
Seattle
London
Ireland
Spain
Switzerland
Israel

-To make a difference in someones life
-To go to the Olympics( to watch ..not to be in it!)
-Enter a cooking contest


That is it for today.

I will keep thinking....

Post -Con

As I am sitting here getting ready to tell you about one the best trips of my life.... and I have some type of cold\sinus crud. Thats what you get with 4 plan rides and 4 days among 167,000 people.

COMIC CON!!!!! was amazing. I had the best time. It was everything I hoped for and more. I really cant put it all in words, I am still processing everything. It was 5 full days. We did ALOT. We saw some panels, big bang theory, chuck, true blood,bones...I could go on and on.

There was ALOT and by that I mean ALOT of people where ever we went. But I never felt like we couldn't get any where. Sure we stood in lines for hours to get into the panels we wanted to see but I thought the crowed control went well. The Con was a well oiled machine.

I saw some great new comics and comic artist, saw cool comic book related stuff. I got to see some movie stars and hang out with some great friends.

I had a wonderful time with Michelle and Paul. There was a lot of walking.....But I had a grand time. It was a dream come true!!!

Pre-Con

So the day has come....the day I thought would never come.....COMIC CON.

I never thought I would be able to go. It was on my bucket list. Every year it happens and every year I am jealous I am not there.

I am still in awe of the fact that there is a chance I will be in the same space as some of my favorite comic book legends.( Stan Lee and Marc Silvestri to name a few.)There may be some geek tears shed during this 4 day geek freak debacle. I mean after all its not everyday a geeky girls dreams come true.

I am going to brave the seas of geek humanity to behold the Mecca of our ( comic book) geek religion.This is our sanctuary, our holy land. This is where we pray to the gods of Marvel and DC, Dark Horse , Top Cow and Vertigo.

I am trying to not go into this experience with too many expectation. I have hopes, dream and reality.

Hopes that I will somehow get more signatures from artist and stars then I expected.Hopes of being able to see fantastic graphic novel art ( my favorite kind)! Hopes of find something cool among the vender's to buy and bring home.

Dreams. I have dreams that some how when I am at the Tweet- House party Zachary Levi will see me, fall madly in love with me and I can have all his babies. ( Too personal?! sorry!)

Real Dream. I get to meet Stan Lee . I am a Marvel girl after all. I only read Marvel comic, X-men to be exact.

Reality.Things I know to expect. LOTS and LOTS of people, and entirely to much spandex :shudders:....and I am about to geek out like I have never done before.

I am so excited !!! I am looking forward to a trip with good friends, visiting one of my favorite cites and swimming in seas of comic book geek-y-ness. Wish me luck!!

Love...its strange

Love is powerful thing. It changes’ you ……When you let it. The moment you let in …it changes your life forever.

I am not just talking about a love between couples. I am still single so I haven’t really gotten to that type of commitment yet.

I am talking about your family, friends, place in the world. When it hits you one day…” I love _____.” The first time a parent sees’s there kid. The first time you have the most perfect chocolate croissant. The first time you decided this person seating beside you is your new best friend. The moment you fall in love with a book I could go on and on.

I fall in love with places. Does that sound weird? Book stores. I love bookstores. I am pretty sure the inside of my heat looks like one. I love the way they smell…..like paper and ink and coffee….I love that air never moves, it quite, it has lots and lots of shelves. I love that you feel all the unread words in the air circling around you head. I love how a book can find you. I love how you can fall in love with a book…The language, the feelings, the rhythm and the rhyme of the writer. The characters, the setting…I love how I get attached to books. I love the feel a new hardback book. So crisp!! And that smell….that’s what words smell like to me.

My love affair with books and book stores go back to when I was younger. I had tough time learning how to read and to spell. I still struggle with spelling. My brain just gets confused. Anyway when I was teenager I feel in love with reading….it calms me down it helps me focus…it makes me happy to read. Reading is quite…I like the quite. I am not a bigger talker..I can have a conversation, yes but I don’t need to fell the empty space with talk. I love everything about a book the pages, the ink, the glue…….. Everything.

I love fall, the season, its cold and quite. It smells of fallen summer. The leaves are on the ground. I can wear hoodies and flip flops at the same time. There are apples, and carved pumpkins, chocolate dip marshmallows, trips to the mountains…the sun sets early. If I was a season I would be fall. The music group Bon Iver sounds like what fall feels like to me. Does that make scenes?? I am at my happiest when it is fall. I go outside in the cool air and read….and I am Happy and content.

I love my friends. Deeply. I would do anything for them. I love laughing with them, eating with them, going on trips with them…just spending time with them. It still amazes me that people want to be my friend. I am not the easiest person to have around some times. I love my friends because they let me be me. They let me love art, listen to weird music, read comic books, wear stupid shirts about stolen bikes, they let me teach there kids about comic books, they eat my cooking, they let me say sassy things and get away with it. I think they love me too but I never like to assume anything. My friends make me happy, they support me, and they tell me when I am being stupid. I know I love them because I would be willing to have them around for the rest of my life…

When I let myself actual love something or someone…it changes me. I am never the person I was before. This is a why I am always cautious to let someone into my life...I want to make sure I am loving the right person, whoever it may be.


I love places I haven't even been yet. Like Spain...I know I will love it one day when I actually get to go see.London..Defiantly.Ireland...we were made for each other.Seattle..how could i not love it.


Love....its a strange thing to me.I still try to resist it.....God doesn't like it when I do that.But when i do break down and Love something or someone it changes me.

FREAKING OUT!!!!!

I am freaking out!!!! Why you may ask....Cause I am going to COMIC CON!!! Comic F!#king Con.If you don't know what it is, it is comic book / sci fi convention that happens every year in San Diego. If you are a geek , like me, then this is your mother ship coming home. This is your Mecca....this is were you go to see , and geek out, on everything comic book and sci fi related.

I am still in shock that I am going. It hasn't hit me yet.I have already cried about the fact that I am going. This is a dream come true for me, seriously.

I will be going with my friends Michelle and Paul.It's going to be AWESOME.

This may really be one of the first things I get to check off my "bucket list". ( I will try to put that up later this week)

I am going to see so many freaks and geeks..it is going to be ridiculous.



Omg! OMG! OMG!!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!!omg..omg! omg!!! I can't believe this is happening....EEEKKKK!

The Castle in the Sky

So yesterday I went to the Biltmore Estate with my friend Cristina. ( her middle name is Margarita ). We had a GREAT time. It was really hot!!!

We walked around the house for about an hour and half. We did the audio tour..yep that's right we were the dorks with the head phones on. It was educational. Ha! I love all the details that house has. the art, THE LI BARY. The library is my favorite room in the house. From the painted ceiling to the spiral stairs, to the old lovely books on the shelves. I will stop now..I'm just babbling.

Then we went to the gardens. I love the gardens. It peaceful and yet full of life all at the same time.I love art , as you know, and I think a garden is art.i wish my sister in law could have seen it, she a florist, she would have loved it.

We went to the creamery. Delicious!!! Speaking of delicious...our lunch was delicious. Hummus, goat cheese, fried pickles. We at Cedric tavern. Highly recommended.

All in all it was a great day !! Thanks Cristina!