Thursday, December 30, 2010

This is my Altar….

Taking a look back on my year it has been busy and full of life. Something I would hope it would be. SO I am building an altar in remembrance of what the Lord as done this year. An altar you might say…what is this girl talking about. Well you build an altar to remember what took place on that spot. SO generation from now they too can look around see that the Lord did something there.

It’s been a rough year but a good year. I fought most of the year with Jesus but we are working it out. I couldn’t leave him if I tried. He owns me and he knows it. He likes to reminded me often that no matter how hard I push him away…I can’t. . He is always talking to, he is always loving me..even when I can’t love myself.

I started a blog. Its the scariest thing I think I have ever done. To write, to be honest about what is going on in my life and then to put it out there for people to read… not like me at all. I am not a writer by any means. I am not eloquent or profound. I do think it’s therapeutic for me.

I had a dream come true this year! I went to comic com. I cried. Such a girl, I know! I thought I would never be able to go.BUT happen, I went, I loved it. I was surrounded by geeks, creeps, nerds and herds of people. I was in geek heaven!! Comic book over load. Most importantly I came back in one piece. It was fast paced and crazy.I LOVED every signal minute of it. The best part about it I went with one my best friends so it made it even more special.

I hurt my back this year. It was one of the toughest things I have had to go through. I did it without medication. Let me tell ya that my friend was a bitch!! I knew the Lord did not want me to take pain killers so I didn’t. I know you are thinking I am crazy, well..I am! I try to be homeopathic as much as I can in my life, Alternative medicine is my first option. Don’t get me wrong I am still thankful for modern medicine.

One of my best friends, Annie, had her first child Chloe. There is something about seeing someone you love get what they have wanted for most of their life. I was beyond excited for Chloe to come into this world!!! I love that little girl more then I think anyone realizes. She is sweet, perfect, loving and cute as a button. Chloe is special to me, I can’t explain it, but I hope I can see her grow up.

I became the Greeter Leader at my church. I don’t know why they thought it was a good idea to put me in charge of something…but they did. It has changed my life. Its ministry, I feel like I fail more then I achieve. I could be a better leader, I am horrible at spreadsheets and yet I have to make them all the time. HA! God has a sense of humor, doesn’t HE? I love my church and I am humbles and honored that let me serve them every week by welcoming them into place where they encounter God. To some people they just see a girl , opening a door, saying good morning. BUT to me …to me.. its fulfilling a calling that God has given me. I get to love the “stranger”..I have the pleasure of welcoming the parricidal sons and daughters of God back into The Kingdom….. and that in itself is a gift for me. I think it a miracle in its itself that me, of all people, is talking about loving a church, serving a church and loving people. If you would have ask me 5 years ago if that would happen I would have laughed in your face and told you, no, it would have never happen. That’s a different story for a different time.

I had my 10 year high school reunion. It’s always interesting to have all of us in the same room…… we will leave it at that.

I changed positions at my job. It was hard and it still is.

I did a lot of cooking AND that always makes me happy. I may not be good at a lot of things in life…but I am good at cooking.

There’s a lot more that has happen this year but there’s glimpse into.
I have changed a lot this year; I can’t put it into words how I have changed….I just have. Maybe this means that this coming year will be filled with new things! I sure hope so…..I hope it is filled with adventure, sunsets, laughter, and good food, dreams that come true and love. So, this is my altar however flimsy it may be . I know for a first time in a long time….I have actually lived a life this year…I haven’t let myself do that in a long time and it felt good.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Just so you know I was thinking of you....

Christmas. Not my favorite time of the year. I feel so emotionally inadequate. I went through a rough couple of years in my younger days and I have been left with not all of my emotions intact. It really shows up this time of year. I have to work really hard to focus on the present day and not the past…

I can’t find the words to write down how I feel about this time of year and it make me frustrated. I don’t like feeling frustrated it makes me think I am stupid. I am weird..yes..I know this.

I am not a scrooge. I love giving gifts and I am glad Jesus was born……I just think….its just hard for me to ….i will never be normal. I can’t feel the same things everybody else is.

I know I have been healed from my past ( depression and hurting myself) but I am still not a whole girl. I still struggle on a day to day basis of grasping onto and owning my healing .Maybe one day when I say “Happy Christmas” I will mean it and not feel like they are empty words bounce off the walls.

I push my feeling aside, I take a deep breath, I block out thoughts of scissors….I put a smile on..I say “Merry Christmas” and I hope the people beside me know that I care about them enough to fight everyday to find my way to a place where…I can feel. It sounds dramatic but some days that's just the plain truth.

One good thing..I laughed a lot these last couple of days. That always a good sign….
One thankful thing…I spent Christmas with people that I love (family and friends new and old)…
One thing that never happen before…we had a white Christmas. I wasn’t excited about it but everybody else was.
One of my favorite gifts...A real copper British tea kettle.Can you say in love?

Enough about that! A new year is around the corner and I am excited about that. I hope it’s filled with new and unexpected things.