Thursday, October 4, 2012
I have held it against him, for years, at the vastness of which he loves me. It actually makes me mad to know that where ever I go whatever I do he will love me regardless. I don’t deserve anything that he gives me. He gave me this life I have because he loves me. It a big idea to wrap my brain around. It a big feeling to wrap my feeling around….this love of the creator of the universe.
He has followed me to Hell and back. He was in the dark with me. He was beside me when I was cutting myself to piece because I couldn’t handle anything around me. He was sitting beside me when I couldn’t feel anything from the lose that I had gone through . He was in the room when I didn’t want to live anymore…He was always there. I just didn’t want to feel him there. I have learned that God is still there even when you are ignoring him, not believing that he exist or just flat out flipping him the middle finger. He may give me some breathing room cause he is gentleman at the end of the day…but he never leaves me.
The things I have said , the things I have done the blatant disrespect I have shown him. The things I have yelled and screamed and cursed. I have pushed, shoved , kicked and bitten him( figuratively). All the attitude I have thrown at him….he still hasn’t left me. You think I would give up and believe that he loved me and that he was never leaving me…...but I don’t. I don’t deserve this captivated love of his But he has proven himself to me time and time again….He is not leaving me.
I am the prodigal daughter. I have returned after spending all my inheritance and waking up smelling like pig s**t. God welcomed me back . He is whispering his declaration of love to me everyday. BUT I am still standing on the front porch in disbelief, with my jaw dropped open, that he would take me back. That he could love me with out a second thought about it, with out making me jump through hoops for him to take me back. He didn’t yell or scream at me about how stupid I was for leaving. He didn’t tell me I told you so…..He just gave me the best of everything and told me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. He told me how beautiful I was and that I was good enough.
I am the prodigal daughter. My relationship with God is not anywhere near perfect. Its unusual and I am pretty sure it offends some people….but I have said my vows to him, I have made my covenant and whispered my declaration of love to him. Don’t get me wrong…I have tired to leave again but this time because of the vows and the covenant I have made… cant go anywhere….I am my beloveds and he is mine. That’s a scary kind of love to me….a love I don’t understand, on his part…why would he love me?
His love has been breathed into ever fiber of me.I am thankful for that kind of love. I am thankful that he found me time and time agian. Iam thankful that not materr how hard i puch him away he will never leave...even though it make sme made some time.
I am prodigal daughter…standing stunned into silence and disbelief at the front door.
God is the greatest example of true love. He show me everyday what it means to love someone cause he loves me just like Corinthians says….
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Monday, September 3, 2012
My whole life I have never felt like I have a home. I have never felt like I have belonged, that I have fit in anywhere. I felt like I have been a vagabond a wander so to speak my whole life. I don't know why? I had a stable, loving home life growing up. Parents are still married, they are stilling living in my childhood home. Its just something inside of me that doesn't feel ...i don't know how to explain it....just...I have no home, no place to feel safe, to rest, to be sheltered, to be loved. There has been no physical place that has giving me this BUT there have been certain in people in my life that have made me feel that way. I have certain friends that have been my home. They have loved me, they sheltered me, they let me rest, they have loved me to a point that I feel human again.
I had some dark years. There were times I really didn't think I would ever be at place were I had feelings, or a stable mind or let anyone truly close to me again. BUT I was blessed... I can think of a couple of friends that have never left my side no matter how dark the day was for me.....they loved me even though it was hard. I was a different person then...a little more difficult then my present self... is a nice way to put it. ha!
I have a couple of best friend currently.... what can I say about them. They are truly amazing women. They have loved me so graciously, so completely. They love me in spite of me being me. No matter what I say or how far I push them away on my bad days. Their hands have helped bind my wounds. their laughter has helped chase my sorrows away. Their loving words have sheltered me from the destruction I try to rain on myself. Their hugs have made me feel safe. In there arms I trust myself enough to be me no matter what that looks for that day. I have shed tears with them and in front of them. I have shared laughter and heartache with them. They keep me sane, they keep me sheltered they keep reminding me that those dark days are gone . They remind me that there is life here in the present and they are here to live it with me. Their names are etched on little piece of my heart...wherever I go in this life..they are part of the reason that I got there. They are responsible for the ground that I stand on. I stand a little taller because of them and their love.
The time they have so willing spent with me has put a belief in me that I can love someone and it be true and solid. Their love for me has built a house that I can linger in, that i can dance throw the halls in.... and understand what its like to have roots and what it means to share life, love, dreams, hope and futures with.. to have place that you belong. The house that love built around me is vast but cozy, elaborate but simple, loud but silent.....
I talk to these friends everyday. Mostly little text, inside jokes, updates about some random celebrity, a text saying i love you, or i miss you or come see me. My heart melts when i get those text saying.." i miss you" or the "i love you". Its a strange feeling that someone out there would be thinking about me and then actually care enough about me to want me there with them in that minute or care about me enough to say that the actually love me. I don't let a lot people close enough to me to be at the point where they can show me affection. I don't like having feelings really, they are a messy business. I have a lot of walls up from my past, from depression, from protecting myself from others and protecting myself from myself. I am working on it...while standing in the house that love has built.
I truly believe the Lord has given me these friends . I see the Lord in them everyday. They are his hands and his feet. There healing words are from him.Their laughter is gift a life line so to say.
I can never repay them for what they have done for me. Words can not explain to you what they mean to me.There friendship is a blessing and a privilege. I have a home. I have place to put my life in order. This..... the house that love built, and I am so glad i finally found it.
The Lord is good and I see that everyday in my best friends!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
as the world flies by...
Life has been changing for me lately. I have moved in with my friend Cristina, and it's going great. I love my new apartment, I have cable, my room is really big….like big! It feels right, I know this is where I belong right now in my life.
I’ve lost 25 lbs. I still have a long way to go to get where I want to be. But I am working hard and counting calories so it seems to be paying off.
I have other good things going on in my life …..but I am not going to talk about them right now. We are going to see how they play out. :)
I feel like it’s been a hard long year for me…and its finally taking a turn for the good. I know that anything good in life comes for God. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that feel like ….God is giving me a second to breathe here.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
My life has been crazy lately. My life is in boxes, literally. I am moving in 20 days. I can’t find anything. I have no clothes. My books are packed up and that makes me sad. I feel like I don’t have enough packed up and yet too much is packed up….all at the same time. I am stressed…..Like fro real!
I’m not complaining. I am excited about moving. I am moving in with my good friend Cristina. She is wonderful…to me. I think she is really the only person that I let help me and care for me. She encourages me and sends me random text that are full of her “ ADD” thoughts of the day. She makes me take risk and she is always in my corner encouraging me to live. She is a blessing from God and I am thankful we get to live together. It’s going to be an adventure….to say the least.
20 days left to move- a million boxes to move up one flight of stairs- moving in with someone you know God has put in your life- priceless!
Currently -me and the Lord are working on some of my issues. It’s not really fun. It scares the crap out of me when he asks me to be BRAVE and face my fears. I feel like he has backed me into a corner, I have nowhere else to go but through it. I hate being brave….I hate it when he is right…I hate when he proves me wrong…..BUT I need Him desperately. I know I am talking in riddles…but that’s all I am going to say about that.
When is FALL getting here???!!!! I dream about it. I need it desperately in my life!!! I’ve been listening to a lot of Bon Iver recently ( and he reminds me of what fall feels like to me) so maybe that why I desperate for it to get here.
Things I am looking forward to- two of my dear friends are getting married. And I am excited to see them start their lives with their betrothed.
I have a lot more rolling around in this noggin but I am going to stop typing now. Left over thoughts are below…..
Adventure is out there!
What I have been working on lately…..
Not being scared of actually feeling happy
Letting people love me
Concurring my fear of letting people closer
And living my life….no matter what that looks like
Sunday, May 29, 2011
I can’t go a day with looking at art
I’ve been weird since the day I was born
I love people but I don’t like being around them
That once you love someone they leave
God is the love of my life..and sometimes I don’t like to be near him
Fall is my favorite season
I use music to know what it’s like to have feelings
I have about 95% less emotional feelings then normal people
Dusk is my favorite time of the day
I am hippie on the inside
I may be the only person that gets my since of humor
I am too broken to ever let someone one love me
Books are my coping mechanizes
I will never be pretty BUT I will always be funny
I will be 80 and still be reading comic books
Jesus and Shakespeare saved my life
I was born with the ability to cook
That I have too much wanderlust for my own good
I had to be Amish in another life
Diners are the BEST place to eat
Coffee..I can’t live without it..I don’t want to
That I am not brave enough to live this life that has been given to me
I want to be anywhere in the world but here
I am 100% crazy..and that really doesn’t bother me
That God loves me more then I will ever know
And in the end…it will all be ok…….
Sunday, April 24, 2011
This is the day that I am always reminded of how wonderful it is to be loved by God. He decided to come to earth, robe himself in flesh, be born in trough, and walk this earth as a man a radical rabbi. He submitted himself to the will of his heavenly Father. He was beaten, the skin from his body was ripped off him, a crown of thrones was given to him. He took it all willing and for me. He was nailed to a cross and on that cross his heart exploded for me. He thought about me while he was dying. He never wanted me to be on that cross. He died; he descended into hell on that third day he arose again from his grave. And when He arose from the grave He put death in that same grave.
I have eternal life. I will never need to know what hell looks like….because he paid my wages in desperate places…and I am thankful. Thankful for life I have received from him and thankful for the life I can share with others.
Lets us not forgot the great debut he paid for us. Let’s be thankful and full of hope and faith.
I am thankful he did not leave me to battle death on my own. I get to spend eternity with him….with no more pain..no more sorrow…no more tears. No more wholes in my heart, no more doubting, no more wondering…
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son .So that who so every believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
I love him with every fiber of my being.We have our good times and our bads times.( as you can see by my last post). I know when He tells me “I love you more than life itself” he means it. He loves me….and I am thankful for that. His love altered the universe and it altered me.
He has risen, He has risen indeed!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Cause that is what I am as of late. Weary.Tired.
Me and the Lord have been trying to get back to a good place. I really don’t know how to talk about it. We or I have hit a rough patch with him. He dug deep and asked me to deal with some issues I had towards him. Things I haven’t forgiven him for, things that had hurt me, things I was still bitter and anger about…things I was still pissed off about but I thought I had dealt them.
I have learned in my short life that forgiveness is like onion….there are many layers you have to get through. You might be wondering “why is she mad or hurt by God”….listen! It’s just like any other relationship you have things that get said or done and you get hurt. I don’t feel like I am making any since here….I feel like I am a horrible communicator.
Anyway, I think dealing with all this “stuff” with the Lord has really affected me in good ways and bad. I always go to God , when I need forgiveness to give to other. When someone has hurt me , I go to him and say” please put this forgiveness in my heart for this person cause I just don’t have in it me”. BUT where do I go when I need to forgive God…cause my forgiveness it’s there for Him. I can’t get over some of the stuff in my life I have had to through, I can’t bring myself to let him off the hook…I WANT ANSWERS..I WANT REASONS…DAMIT!!!! I just want to understand him…I want to trust him again; I want to forgive him…….but I can’t.
I love him, yes, but I don’t feel it today. He has done great things in my life, yes. Do I worship him, yes….. But I still doubt Him. Yes, I plan on having an ongoing relationship with him the rest of my life, defiantly. I gave up my rights to live without him long ago( long story I really don’t want o go into it right now).The thing is me and God talk about this stiff every day, I feel like I have made a couple steps forward…but not enough of them. I miss Him and He is standing right beside me so to speak. I will get through it, we will get through it…..it will not be pretty….but I believe there will be healing, emotionally, for me at the end of it. I have to believe that He cares for me…I just have to.
I do not think that I am the only one to have ever gone through something with God. I am not that egocentric. I am weary, tired, hurt, suffering cause I can’t get near him. There is something there between us. I just can’t get next to him. I can feel his breath on my cheeks but when I open my eyes he is miles and miles away and I am too weary to get to him. I am thirsty and nothing but the ocean is all around me.
“All who are thirstyAll who are weak Come to the fountain Dip your heart in the stream of life Let the pain and the sorrow Be washed away In the waves of his mercy As deep cries out to deep “-Kutless
I am sad because I know he loves me…and I just can’t feel it. Like a lot things in my life lately….I just can’t feel it. Enough of that! A lot of great things have been happing at church. I am in charge of the greeter ministry. So I am excited to see the changes the Lord is bring to this ministry in the next couple of months. I will write about it at some point…I never would have dreamed I would have been a greeter let alone the leader of the greeters. God works in mysterious ways….
My birthday is next Saturday. I am really not in the mood to do anything. I am working a lot, busy with church stuff, stressed about some other stuff….I am just tired and I want o be alone and not have to be entertaining or in a good mood for anybody. I just want to read some books and plant some flowers and listen to some music. I know I sound like a bitch…but I just want to be alone. I want some rest and peace…..I am taking two days off so hopefully I get to do some of the above. There are a lot of changes in the air, I am going to try to bunker down and survive them. Heres to a good couple of weeks…...hopefully!
See on the other side Brother!( LOST joke)
P.S. sorry this post was NO fun.