Wednesday, April 21, 2010


( This is a random blog but it sort of came to me out of no where!!! Sorry, if it doesn't make since. My question do you feel about your FAITH??)

This thing we call FAITH is not for the faint of heart. The journey of FAITH is for the broken and the healed, the lost and the ones that have been found. FAITH is for the dismembered and for the put back together. Faith is for the hurt and the forgiven. This journey of FAITH is not for the maybes it is for the I have decided.FAITH is for the soldiers and the protesters.

FAITH is for the scared and delivered, for the used and set aside. Faith is for the claimed and conquered, it for the consecrated and for the disregarded. Faith is for the cutters and the depressed, the delivered and the ones that are still held captive.

FAITH is for the geek, the nerd, the liars, the dreamers and the misfits.

Its for white, black, Jew or gentile. This journey of FAITH is not for the faint of heart because this road is lined with the trail of the blood of the believers have gone before us. So, keep your Faith close at hand...... because it is something that should be prized, nourished and shared.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Talk Derby To Me….

Last weekend I went to the roller derby with some of the girls. It was a lot of fun! We watch the game, bought some t-shirts and sticker, beer and hot dogs. We cheered for the home team, said " ouch" when there was a bad fall . The whole night we pretty much wished we were roller derby girls. We loved it !!!!

It was double header so we got to see two games! We all said we want to come back. It was the most fun I had had in a while.Some of my favorite roller derby girls name from the night where.....T-Rex your face, punch you in your pee whole, American Booty.

We left half way through the second game so we could go grab something to eat other then a hot dog. We ended up at Lupies! Yum!

I think our waiter thought we were on crack!!! We were loud and laughed a LOT and we had made up our own Derby girl names. So we had to tell him our names...of course!! I think he was scared.

I had a great time and I hope we get to go back together soon!


My roller derby name is Miss Beeotch ......

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Oh the places you will go....

So, my job is going away. I have to find a new. “They “are telling to apply for position in the company, but there are not a lot of them that I think I am qualified for or just don’t want to do them.

I am not fully stressed out about it but I am concerned...."stressed" not quite there yet. I have applied for one position, probably will not even get a call back, and I have talked to a supervisor here about another position. We will see what happens.

I don’t want to work in an office really. I never have but this has been a job good for me. It has taught me a lot. But I feel like I am missing something. I feel like if I just think hard enough or search hard enough I could see “it”. By “it “ I mean what I was meant to do with me life.

I have a calling and a purpose. I have been going around and around the issue since I was about 10 years of age, (that's a young age to start worrying about your life) “ Lord what do you want me to be?” I would ask, I never got an answer. About a year ago I did hear the Lord tell me that my calling “ is to be you”. Strange! Cause me being me it not always pretty thing, ya know what I mean?! But that’s what he said. ...several times to me. There was a vision thrown in there too but that may freak you out so I want go into it right now. He made it clear, you are who you are because that is who I need you to be. My question is “for what?” What am I doing with my life that you need me to be me? I don't know how to explain " me" really, I don't know how other people would explain me.....but I am not the kindest , softest, most compassionate person you every meet..HA!

I can’t put my finger on it. I think if I just had some time I could figure it all out but I don’t have time. I need a job so I can pay my bills so I keep living a life. I want to travel and see the world; I have too much wanderlust in my blood stream for my own good. I feel like if I see the world then I will figure out where I belong…maybe there is corner some far off place were I fit perfectly and that’s were I will see what I was made for. Maybe where I am now is my far off corner where I do belong and I just need to learn to be happy where I am….huh! We will think on that one.

I feel deep down that I was called for something, it just hasn’t come my way yet. I feel like am suppose to be here but that I am suppose to be somewhere else too. That does’t make scene, I know. It driving me crazy, I want my future now!!!! I want to figure out what I was” made “to do. I am good a lots of things but I am not really great at anything, I want to know what I great at! I want a job I love and I want it to mean something….and it still pay my bills and give me enough money to travel.

I am not complaining I am just frustrated…at not knowing why “being me” is all He has called me to be, because in mind, who I am just is not good enough….

Monday, April 12, 2010

The day you have to say goodbye….

Those days will always come in to your life…the days were you have to say goodbye to someone or something, a certain time in your life. Those are the hard days for me.

For example……The day I had to say good bye to one of my best friend, she had been died for years but I had never let her go. I had never untangled her from my life.I had hit the " pause" button I am not saying I wanted to forget her. I just needed to say goodbye for now so I could move on with my life. I had never said goodbye. I cried harder on that day then the day I buried her because it was final this time. This time I meant it , this time I was on the other side of the anger and the bitterness, this time I was already use to the idea of her not being here. This time is already been through the loss of it all.  

I hate saying goodbye. In my life, it always seems, that whomever and whatever I say goodbye to …its for good. I am sentimental, I horrid memories away so I can bring them out every now and again. And watch them replay in mind. They show like old home movie from the 50’s all grainy and discolored and with no sound.

I hate saying goodbye but I know if I am saying good bye then there is has been something worth wildl to have had said “hello’ to. That in return leaves me with something real…a memory, a belief, a piece of my heart I never knew existed and it finally came alive in all sadness that we call goodbye. ( sorry that rhymed)

Are the “hellos” worth all the pain of all the “goodbyes”?

Alfred Lord Tennyson said” 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”Do you agree? Do you ever REALLY get over the “losing “part ? That not being the same after someone or something you love leaves? I know I wasn’t…I know it took me a long time to get to a point where I was ok with the act of saying goodbye and really meaning it. It leaves you empty, it leaves vulnerable, but most scary of all it leaves me open to the new “hellos” the Lord has for me.

So in my life I try to say my “ goodbyes “ with grace and bravery. And I try to say my “hellos” with openness and kindness. It doesn’t always work…..but I try!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Random Thought of The Day

I have always told the Lord “I will go wherever you want me to go, I will do whatever you want me to do …. ” . So I am always looking to the near distances for what He wants me to do…But what if….what if I am already where I am suppose to be , doing what I suppose to be doing but didn’t really have to go anywhere to do it..

And that right there is why I may be disappointed. Not disappointed in God, no…. not at all, just disappointed that the move was more quite then I thought it would be. Sound weird, yeah? Some times I have to remind myself that God doesn’t ONLY have to show himself in thunder and lightning, deserts and droughts ……that sometimes he shows himself in a whisper, a breeze, a gentle nudge ….a quiet natural move. And that I need to be open and responsive to that as well as the lightning and the thunder.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Shelley..Happy Birthday

My freind Shelley's birthday is tomorrow!!! I just want her to know how much I truly love having her in my life. Thanks for letting me be a part of you journey! :)

( I gave her a great illustrate story book of Wizard of Oz, that story is one of her favorites and I wrote her a little note in it. Below is what I wrote her...hopefully she doesn't mind me sharing it, cause I really enjoyed writing it!)

May your adventures be magical
May your shoes always sparkle
May you not have to go so far as over the rainbow for your dreams to come true
May your life be filled with many friends to walk beside you as you follow the yellow brick road

May you have courage to grasp on to your dreams
May you have knowledge to compass your journey
May you have heart to endure whatever your yellow brick road has for you


Birthday Happenings

My birthday was Friday…and it was a grand day!

( the photo to left is of Chole`, the cute little girl of Annie, a dear friend of mine. There family nickname for me is made my day)

I took the day off, so I got to sleep in for an hour. I started my day off by finishing a book that I was reading ( and no there was no real ending). Then my friend Cristian came over and we went over to Lowe's to get the last finishing touches for my garden. When we got back we proceed to plant all my plants. A couple of flowers, some ivy, mint, thyme, cilantro, Thai basil, basil, chives, sage, lambs ear.

It took us a little while but we did it! And it looks great….if I do say so myself! Eddo ( my gnome) found a new home among the ivy! He looks quite hansom there.

After we finished all the garden activities I got ready to go out to dinner. It turned out a sneaky roommate and some sneaky friends planed a surprise party\dinner for me. So, Cristian, me and Kari showed up at the local Mexican restaurant and there were my friends and a gluten free birthday cake !!!!! ( I am gluten free if you didn’t know). It was lovely…..good food, great friends, gluten free cake and unfortunately sombrero. ( you know….when all the waiters come over clapping, and singing and then they put the sombrero on your head…) . We finished eating then went back to my place to hangout. There was lots of laughter, stories, a bookcase was assembled, old friends meet new friends and did I mention there was lots of laughter?!

I enjoyed my birthday, I felt like the whole day was my gift from Jesus. He was reminding me that love is abundant…in every aspect of my life.

The day was filled with lovely cards with words that said “ I love you” but with out having to actually say those words. ( if that makes scenes). There were gifts of books, journals, owls, bookmarks, bookstore gift cards, promises of spending a future day together, some of my favorite soap, phone calls, face book messages, laughter, tears and flowers. What more could a girl ask for?

Thursday, April 1, 2010


In the Christian faith it is our “ super bowl” as my pastor likes to say. I didn't really emotionally connect with Easter until a few a years ago….I get a little teary-eyed now. I appreciate the moment now, it means something to me now.

I grew up in church…so its not like I didn’t know what it was all about or why we were celebrating it. You got a Easter dress, a Easter basket and you go to church and thank Jesus for coming back from the dead. Sounds a little callus …I know…let's be honest shall we?! I am still a little callus when it comes to life, but that is different story for a different time. I never realized why someone would die for me, why someone would love me that much, why someone would even care what happen to me at the end of all this. But then in the last couple of years me and Jesus have gone throw something’s. I have dealt with some things , I have wrestled with Jesus, I have been healed of some scars…I have been wooed by the creator of the universe because I was finally at a point were I had no more excuses not to have a real relationship with him.

I worship Him and yet I still doubted him....but I never gave up hope.Hope in Him, hope in what He has for my life, hope that I can be good enough to receive what he has for me.
So, after me and Jesus took care of some business, I began to appreciate the idea of new life and what it really holds for me…what it really meant for Him to be able to give that to us. I am tearing up right now typing this. He was hung on a cross, he was beaten, spit on, yelled at, laughed at, humiliated…all for what? That he might save us from sin, death and even ourselves. And in return we ignore him, just talk to him when we want something, is to scared to have a real honest relationship with Him because we don’t want the responsibility of it all. How lame is that on our part, how hurtful that must be to Him and yet He still comes back to us ….waiting for us, wanting us, wooing us, protecting us.

I say this to myself…lets make time Him, so we can come to realize what his resurrection really means to us personally. I have said it before I and will say it again….Jesus has saved my life on more then one occasion…its about time I start living my life that He has given me.

Easter is more the Easter dresses and Easter baskets…..I think it is about more then I will truly ever comprehend. I do know this. I am grateful for him hanging on a cross for me.I believe in Him, I worship Him and I don't want to be so scared of what He has for me.

Below is the Apostles' Creed, we say it every Sunday in church...and every Sunday it's all I can do not to burst out in tears when we are saying it.

The Apostles' Creed

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost,
born of the virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
wascrucified, dead, and buried;
He descended into hell.
The third day He arose again from the dead;
He ascended into heaven,
and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty;

from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Ghost;
the holy catholic church;
the communion of saints;
the forgiveness of sins;
the resurrection of the body;
and the life everlasting.