Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Prodigal Daughter

I have reeked of unbelief, of the world, of self deprivation , of not giving a s**t about anything He did on the cross for me. AND he still took me back. He still put his royal robe around me and his best jewels on my fingers after I walked down the long road back to him. He still made a feast for me to set at and consume while surrounded by celebration of my return even when I didn’t deserve it. I am the prodigal daughter.


I have held it against him, for years, at the vastness of which he loves me. It actually makes me mad to know that where ever I go whatever I do he will love me regardless. I don’t deserve anything that he gives me. He gave me this life I have because he loves me. It a big idea to wrap my brain around. It a big feeling to wrap my feeling around….this love of the creator of the universe.

He has followed me to Hell and back. He was in the dark with me. He was beside me when I was cutting myself to piece because I couldn’t handle anything around me. He was sitting beside me when I couldn’t feel anything from the lose that I had gone through . He was in the room when I didn’t want to live anymore…He was always there. I just didn’t want to feel him there. I have learned that God is still there even when you are ignoring him, not believing that he exist or just flat out flipping him the middle finger. He may give me some breathing room cause he is gentleman at the end of the day…but he never leaves me.

The things I have said , the things I have done the blatant disrespect I have shown him. The things I have yelled and screamed and cursed. I have pushed, shoved , kicked and bitten him( figuratively). All the attitude I have thrown at him….he still hasn’t left me. You think I would give up and believe that he loved me and that he was never leaving me…...but I don’t. I don’t deserve this captivated love of his But he has proven himself to me time and time again….He is not leaving me.

I am the prodigal daughter. I have returned after spending all my inheritance and waking up smelling like pig s**t. God welcomed me back . He is whispering his declaration of love to me everyday. BUT I am still standing on the front porch in disbelief, with my jaw dropped open, that he would take me back. That he could love me with out a second thought about it, with out making me jump through hoops for him to take me back. He didn’t yell or scream at me about how stupid I was for leaving. He didn’t tell me I told you so…..He just gave me the best of everything and told me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. He told me how beautiful I was and that I was good enough.

I am the prodigal daughter. My relationship with God is not anywhere near perfect. Its unusual and I am pretty sure it offends some people….but I have said my vows to him, I have made my covenant and whispered my declaration of love to him. Don’t get me wrong…I have tired to leave again but this time because of the vows and the covenant I have made… cant go anywhere….I am my beloveds and he is mine. That’s a scary kind of love to me….a love I don’t understand, on his part…why would he love me?

His love has been breathed into ever fiber of me.I am thankful for that kind of love. I am thankful that he found me time and time agian. Iam thankful that not materr how hard i puch him away he will never leave...even though it make sme made some time.

I am prodigal daughter…standing stunned into silence and disbelief at the front door.




God is the greatest example of true love. He show me everyday what it means to love someone cause he loves me just like Corinthians says….

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Monday, September 3, 2012

The house that love built

Its been awhile! How have you been?! Life is a little different for me, nothing to interesting to go into. The world turns and seasons change and people come and That's what got me thinking about what i am about to write down.....hopefully this isn't too sad for you but its how I feel.....

My whole life I have never felt like I have a home. I have never felt like I have belonged, that I have fit in anywhere. I felt like I have been a vagabond a wander so to speak my whole life. I don't know why? I had a stable, loving home life growing up. Parents are still married, they are stilling living in my childhood home. Its just something inside of me that doesn't feel ...i don't know how to explain it....just...I have no home, no place to feel safe, to rest, to be sheltered, to be loved. There has been no physical place that has giving me this BUT there have been certain in people in my life that have made me feel that way. I have certain friends that have been my home. They have loved me, they sheltered me, they let me rest, they have loved me to a point that I feel human again.

I had some dark years. There were times I really didn't think I would ever be at place were I had feelings, or a stable mind  or let anyone truly close to me again. BUT I was blessed... I can think of a couple of friends that have never left my side no matter how dark the day was for me.....they loved me even though it was hard. I was a different person then...a little more difficult then my present self... is a nice way to put it. ha!

I have a couple of best friend currently.... what can I say about them. They are truly amazing women. They have loved me so graciously, so completely. They love me in spite of me being me. No matter what I say or how far I push them away on my bad days. Their hands have helped bind my wounds. their laughter has helped chase my sorrows away. Their loving words have sheltered me from the destruction I try to  rain on myself. Their hugs have made me feel safe. In there arms I trust myself enough to be me no matter what that looks for that day. I have shed tears with them and in front of them. I have shared laughter and heartache with them. They keep me sane, they keep me sheltered they keep reminding me that those dark days are gone . They remind me that there is life here in the present and they are here to live it with me. Their names are etched on little piece of my heart...wherever I go in this life..they are part of the reason that I got there. They are responsible for the ground that I stand on. I stand a little taller because of them and their love.

 The time they have so willing spent with me has put a belief in me that I can love someone and it be true and solid. Their love for me  has  built a house that I can linger in, that i can dance throw the halls in.... and understand what its like to have roots and what it means to share life, love, dreams, hope and futures with.. to have place that you belong. The house that love built around me is vast but cozy, elaborate but simple, loud but silent.....

I talk to these friends everyday. Mostly little text, inside jokes, updates about some random celebrity, a text saying i love you, or i miss you or come see me. My heart melts when i get those text saying.." i miss you" or the "i love you". Its a strange feeling that someone out there would be thinking about me and then actually care enough about me to want me there with them in that minute or care about me enough to say that the actually love me. I don't let a lot people close enough to me to  be at the point where they can show me affection. I don't like having feelings really, they are a messy business. I have a lot of walls up from my past, from depression, from protecting myself from others and protecting myself from myself. I am working on it...while standing in the house that love has built.

I truly believe the Lord has given me these friends . I see the Lord in them everyday. They are his hands and his feet. There healing words are from him.Their laughter is gift a life line so to say.

I can never repay them for what they have done for me. Words can not explain to you what they mean to me.There friendship is a blessing and a privilege. I have a home. I have place to put my life in order. This..... the house that love built, and I am so glad i finally found it.

The Lord is good and I see that everyday in my best friends!