Cause that is what I am as of late. Weary.Tired.
Me and the Lord have been trying to get back to a good place. I really don’t know how to talk about it. We or I have hit a rough patch with him. He dug deep and asked me to deal with some issues I had towards him. Things I haven’t forgiven him for, things that had hurt me, things I was still bitter and anger about…things I was still pissed off about but I thought I had dealt them.
I have learned in my short life that forgiveness is like onion….there are many layers you have to get through. You might be wondering “why is she mad or hurt by God”….listen! It’s just like any other relationship you have things that get said or done and you get hurt. I don’t feel like I am making any since here….I feel like I am a horrible communicator.
Anyway, I think dealing with all this “stuff” with the Lord has really affected me in good ways and bad. I always go to God , when I need forgiveness to give to other. When someone has hurt me , I go to him and say” please put this forgiveness in my heart for this person cause I just don’t have in it me”. BUT where do I go when I need to forgive God…cause my forgiveness it’s there for Him. I can’t get over some of the stuff in my life I have had to through, I can’t bring myself to let him off the hook…I WANT ANSWERS..I WANT REASONS…DAMIT!!!! I just want to understand him…I want to trust him again; I want to forgive him…….but I can’t.
I love him, yes, but I don’t feel it today. He has done great things in my life, yes. Do I worship him, yes….. But I still doubt Him. Yes, I plan on having an ongoing relationship with him the rest of my life, defiantly. I gave up my rights to live without him long ago( long story I really don’t want o go into it right now).The thing is me and God talk about this stiff every day, I feel like I have made a couple steps forward…but not enough of them. I miss Him and He is standing right beside me so to speak. I will get through it, we will get through it…..it will not be pretty….but I believe there will be healing, emotionally, for me at the end of it. I have to believe that He cares for me…I just have to.
I do not think that I am the only one to have ever gone through something with God. I am not that egocentric. I am weary, tired, hurt, suffering cause I can’t get near him. There is something there between us. I just can’t get next to him. I can feel his breath on my cheeks but when I open my eyes he is miles and miles away and I am too weary to get to him. I am thirsty and nothing but the ocean is all around me.
“All who are thirstyAll who are weak Come to the fountain Dip your heart in the stream of life Let the pain and the sorrow Be washed away In the waves of his mercy As deep cries out to deep “-Kutless
I am sad because I know he loves me…and I just can’t feel it. Like a lot things in my life lately….I just can’t feel it. Enough of that! A lot of great things have been happing at church. I am in charge of the greeter ministry. So I am excited to see the changes the Lord is bring to this ministry in the next couple of months. I will write about it at some point…I never would have dreamed I would have been a greeter let alone the leader of the greeters. God works in mysterious ways….
My birthday is next Saturday. I am really not in the mood to do anything. I am working a lot, busy with church stuff, stressed about some other stuff….I am just tired and I want o be alone and not have to be entertaining or in a good mood for anybody. I just want to read some books and plant some flowers and listen to some music. I know I sound like a bitch…but I just want to be alone. I want some rest and peace…..I am taking two days off so hopefully I get to do some of the above. There are a lot of changes in the air, I am going to try to bunker down and survive them. Heres to a good couple of weeks…...hopefully!
See on the other side Brother!( LOST joke)
P.S. sorry this post was NO fun.