( I will probably be crying the whole time I write this, don't worry.I am fine. I am just crying because God is good ...even when I push him away.)(This Blog is more therapeutic for me then me really keeping people up to date on my life...so here we go with some therapy)
I love comic books.Particularly marvel comic books. Even more particularly X-men. I have loved the X-men since I was little, I am talk like 10 or 11 here.Phoenix is my favorite..if i had to pick one.
I try to go every two weeks, when the new issues come out, to pick up my X-men comics.These little books are art to me. I love art!!!!!It makes me happy, it opens my mind and my heart. It makes feel close to God when I am surround by art. Weird, I know.
So, for almost my whole life I have loved the x-men. Watched them on T.V., read about there adventures, watched them on the movie screen, Silently stared at the art on the slick pages for years. I LOVE comic books....deeply!!!!
The set up:
About a year a ago I was out to eat with my one of my Pastors, Amanda Martin, I was telling her about some of my "story". about how the Lord had healed some wounds that were in my life, How I had struggled with depression for years, about ALL the walls I had built up to keep the emotions out of my life. I was so broken, I couldn't handle feeling anything.
At one point of my life I had given up on God.I felt like he had given me some low blows, so to speak, in my life.I had some stuff happen that I couldn't bounce back from.So, I stood on the "edge" and cussed Him out. Blamed him for the hurt and pain in my life.I grew bitter and angry towards him.I ran as far as could away from him.I drowned in my sorrows. I cut myself to pieces( literally), I pushed everyone I loved away.From the outside nothing ever really changed. I did what was expected of me...I just smiled on the outside...and was living in hell on the inside. I felt invisible to this world. I felt like I was a women set on fire, standing in a room full of people holding glasses of water and no one would help put the fire out.I carried so much grief and sorrow around that I could barely breathe. I was in pain, I was bitter, I was wounded, I was sinful, I was hurt, I was a bitch, I was lost.....I was alone because I refused the only person that could fix me, God.
I continued to tell Amanda that when I couldn't handle it any more I went to God and said...." I am ready, I am sorry"I told her that I found out that God was there even when I was drowning myself in sorrow and cutting myself to pieces. .It's and on going process, God fixing me. Its taken years to break down the walls I had put up. He healed my soul, he has made me new. He gives me strength to face my fears and not be so afraid of this life He has given me.
That's when she looked at me and said" Do you know who the x-men are?" See, she didn't know about my love for X-men. I laughed and said " yeah, there my favorite".
Amanda: Do you know who Kitty Pryde is?
Me: yeah, she can walk through walls or any solid object for that matter.
Amanda: Well, that's who you are. I think that's who God has made you to be, you can walk through walls and the best part is Kitty Pryde helps people go through the walls too.When people are with Kitty, she helps them walk through whatever is in there way. Whatever is trapping them from moving on.
This my not make since to you but to me it was like a light bulb going off.Right in that moment God showed me what she meant by it.Have you ever had a vision from God? I have ,I get them often...you just get used to it being weird.
I had a vision of me running through walls, full force, nothing holding me back.Never having to be stuck behind a "wall" again.
It meant a lot to me that God would use something I have loved for most of my life to show me a picture of who I am now.
He has healed my wounds. He has loved me back to a place were I feel like a person again.He has given me the ability to walk through my walls. He never left my side, even in my darkest hours.I was just too blind to see that He was there right beside me. I love him with every ounce of my body. We still fight, I still yell at him.... But God is too much a part of me now for me to walk away from him again.He is down in my very bones...you just cant walk away from something or someone like that. I don't know what its like to breathe without him beside me....and that's the way I want it. I don't want there to ever be an option for me to leave him agian.
I was lost but now I am found.I was blind but now I see....
There is more to the story but that was a lot for one post . I will stop here!
This is Kitty Pryde signing off! ;)